Dear Miriam,

I am writing in reply to Anne’s letter “Love is all that matters in the end”. Anne says her husband “criticises everyone and thinks he is a great fellow” and this statement also applies to my father.

My father is constant with bitter doom and gloom. He sees everyone in a bad light and describes countless people as being “mean”. He fails to recognise that he is the most tight-fisted of all.

Women are for one purpose only: slaves inside and outside the home and they should have no mind of their own. It doesn’t matter how long your day at work was or who died, the dinner has to be on the table when he comes in or else it’s a big sulk for the evening.

Of course I love him and he has good points, but I just don’t understand his attitude. He is the centre of his own world, whereas my family is the centre of mine. I mostly tune all of this out and agree with him to prevent arguments in which he would undoubtedly really upset me, which he has done countless times.

I am really sorry Anne that you have spent 40 years in a loveless marriage, but I really hope you make the most of the rest of your life. If you can, go travelling, on nights out, get involved in your community and have a laugh with your friends. You may not have found love in your marriage, but you can find it in many other places and in the love for yourself. Remember that “your value” doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

Farmer’s Daughter?

Dear Farmer’s Daughter,

Thank you for getting in touch. I was really moved by your letter, so I contacted Kerry-based psychotherapist and mindfulness expert, Harriet McGuigan (www.harrietmcguigan.com), who offers the following gentle encouragement for your journey:

“I get a strong sense that you are a person who has deep caring and love for other people. Your family are the centre of your world. I even hear you mention how much you love your father, despite his flaws. I have a hunch that you offer your kindness to all those whose lives you touch.

“It can be extremely arduous living with someone who doesn’t appear to have a capacity to ‘see’ and appreciate us for who we truly are. It could feel extremely challenging as his daughter to work on accepting the fact that you can never change your father. You may at times possibly inspire or influence him by how you choose to live. However, ultimately, if your father wants to change, it has to come from his own volition. This certainly tends to take many years of frustration to come to terms with.

“I believe that every person who comes into your life could be a gift for you – to reflect and see what you want for your own life. It could be good to ask yourself some questions. What am I looking for from my father? What really keeps me living at home? What do I want for my life?

“You encourage Anne to go and travel, go on nights out etc. I hope you have created these supports for you. Start where you are at and make little realistic changes every day.

“I was also struck by you mentioning that in the past you have spoken up to your father but have learned through experience to ‘tune out’ when he is being critical. This is probably a wise choice as I get the impression he doesn’t have the capacity to self-reflect on his behaviour. Your business is to work on how this is for you and eventually come to some sort of peace within.

“You said some beautiful words to Anne and my wish is that you can start to believe this for yourself. There are many ways of working on self-acceptance, acceptance of others and self-esteem. I gently encourage you to join a meditation group, do a mindfulness course, take up a personal development course – there are many low-cost courses countrywide, namely SHEP www.socialandhealth.com. I would also invite you to seek out a good therapist who will sit with you when you work through the pain, frustration and loss of feeling so ‘unseen’ by your father.

“As you relate to Anne and her ‘loveless’ marriage, I ask you to reflect on the fact that you may not ever feel truly ‘seen’ by your dad, but you can find it in many other places and in the love for yourself. I would go so far as saying that love for yourself is all that matters in the end.”