Dear Miriam,

I would be grateful if you could advise me please. Not so long ago, I found out my husband of almost six years has been watching porn. I just can’t get it into my head why he does this. I feel cheated for some reason, why, I don’t know. We have two beautiful children and I thought we had a good relationship. I feel I can’t trust him anymore as my feelings for him have changed. I have confronted him about this, but he says nothing. I am writing to you in confidence. Thank you.

Anon

Dear Anon,

Thank you for your letter. I’m sure that you must be very confused and upset at this time, so to give you the best advice possible I have been in touch with Orlagh Gahan, who is a psychotherapist at The Centre for Sexual Addictions in Dublin and in private practice at orlaghgahan.ie

According to Orlagh, this issue is becoming an increasingly common problem in modern-day relationships and it is perfectly natural to experience feelings such as disbelief, rejection, betrayal and neglect on discovering that a partner is using pornography. In fact, research has shown that many people can experience emotional and psychological trauma for weeks and months following the discovery of a breach of trust in the case of infidelity or sexual acting out of their partner. However, the important thing is not to panic just yet. From your letter, it seems that prior to this discovery you believed that you and your husband had a good relationship. This suggests that his use of pornography, albeit in secret, has not significantly impacted on the relationship to date, which is a good sign.

That said, it’s normal to feel that you cannot trust him, he has, after all, breached that trust bond you have built up naturally over six years of marriage. In Orlagh’s experience as a sex addiction counsellor, the problem with pornography is that it directly affects the couple’s emotional, intimate and sexual bond as one partner is choosing sex with self over that of an intimate sexual relationship with their partner.

It’s clear from your letter that you are having great difficulty understanding why your husband is viewing pornography. There are lots reasons why people view pornography and they are often very simple reasons, ie it’s sexually arousing, instantly accessible, free, etc. However, Orlagh’s own concern as a sex addiction counsellor is that porn websites nowadays contain not just pornographic video content, but also promote a world of other sexual activities and appetites, which many clients can get caught up engaging in.

As a wife who is affected by your husband’s sexual behavior and, more importantly, a breach of trust, you are entitled to let your feelings be heard and known on this matter. Marriages are built on trust, intimacy and mutuality, and pornography is largely not compatible with these core conditions. Ideally, in the near future you will be able to openly discuss your husband’s use of pornography and agree some ground rules about what you mutually agree is acceptable in your relationship.

It may take your husband some time to share his feelings about his use of pornography as often our sexual behaviors cause us to experience shame and guilt once judged. The good news is that there is help out there for both you and your partner if you are having difficulty dealing with it together. Many relationship counsellors are familiar with your circumstances and if your relationship is as good and strong as you believed it was before, there is no reason why you won’t be able to deal with this together.

The most important thing is not to make any rash decisions about your marriage. Give yourself time to get over your initial shock and hurt and take some space to consider all the factors. For many of Orlagh’s clients, their use of pornography is not essentially a problem. However, it becomes a problematic behaviour when they are unable to stop using pornography or it starts to affect the relationship.

I hope that this is helpful and I wish you and your family all the best for the future moving forward.