Dear Miriam,

I got married earlier this year to a wonderful and very kind farmer, so I consider myself very lucky. We are actually living in the house where he grew up, as both his parents have unfortunately passed away.

It was always a sort of “open house” where neighbours would call in the evenings and there are still a few elderly gentlemen who call a few times a week to my husband. I think it’s a nice tradition but the problem is that this summer, my husband has been flat out on the farm every evening, so I’ve been playing hostess nearly every night as they are happy to “wait for him” to come in for their chat.

I commute to a full-time job so I have a lot of stuff at home to catch up on in the evenings as it stands. Also, while they are very sweet men, we don’t exactly have a lot in common! But I understand that this is an outlet for them and they might not see anybody else during the day, so I don’t want to make them feel unwelcome.

What should I do?

Newly-wed, Leinster

Dear Newly-wed,

Thank you for your email. I think it is lovely that you and your husband have kept the link with your elderly neighbours and that you appreciate how important this connection is for them, but I can understand the pressure of having to be the “hostess with the mostess” after a long day at work.

I wonder is it possible to tweak the tradition slightly? For example, instead of the neighbours calling to your house all the time, perhaps your husband could take turns dropping in to them?

The fact that he is going to be flat out for a few weeks might even be a good time to start trying this out, eg he could suggest that as he won’t be in ’til late most evenings, he could drop in to them for a quick break around lunchtime or teatime (or whatever works, depending on his schedule) and that way they can still have their chat without having all the pressure on you. If it works in the short-term, it could be kept up going forward.

Another idea might be to ask if they needed something brought from the shops etc and dropping it in on the way home from work, even one day a week. It would be a small but thoughtful gesture that still keeps the regular contact, without huge time commitment.

If other readers have suggestions, it would be interesting to hear from them too. I wish you the best of luck in your new home and community.

A Reader Writes: Maybe a little more

give and take is the best advice

Dear Miriam,

I read with interest letters from your readers about problems living near the home place where the parents of their husband are living. They have their own place and it’s not like years ago where you got married and moved in and often there was a brother or sister still in the house. You just kept quiet and had no choice, even though it was not easy for parents-in-law either. Sundays were never your own even if you had an extension built on, as it was a good place to leave the children while the adults visited parents.

There are so many wonderful grandparents out there who are a great support to their children, willing to give a hand when called upon by young working mothers and fathers. Maybe a little more give and take is the best advice, the less said unless asked, the best way.

Yours sincerely,

Regular Reader

A Reader Writes: “We are about

to ‘out-hygiene hygiene!’”

Dear Miriam,

Somewhere in Shakespeare there is a character who was said “to out-Herod Herod”. Sometimes I think we in the 21st century are about to “out-hygiene hygiene”. If a piece of food falls on the floor it is binned; if the cat jumps up on the table to get to the milk jug, the table has to be disinfected; and God help us all if the dog should come in and sit on our armchair, leaving some hairs behind.

Surely common sense must be applied in all cases. I think people in Syria would be appalled at our waste. Thank you Miriam for reading my letter.

Segna CL