Dear Miriam,

I am a 39-year-old single girl. I look after my parents and work at home on the family farm, which is promised to me. Five years ago, I met a young dairy farmer in his early 20s. He lived a few miles away and was farming a large a farm.

On our first date, he was very romantic, though I told him I was too old for him. He said I was very attractive and my age made no difference to him. We have met twice a week since and have a great love life.

Last week, I said to my boyfriend that I am now 39 and it was time for us to get married and start a family. He replied that he wanted to have three children first and then we would get married and have a big wedding. I told him I wanted to get married first and then have children. He said that is not going to happen and said I didn’t trust him.

I really love him and know this is the only chance I have. My parents would panic if I was pregnant before getting married, not to talk about having three children first. I could lose the family farm to my brother who has a good job. My boyfriend wants me to go off the pill straight away and try to get pregnant. I know I can trust him – my parents and the neighbours are the problem.

Please Miriam, tell me what to do. Thank you so much.

Munster girl

Dear Munster girl,

Thank you for your letter. I suppose one thing that strikes me is that while you talk about the spark between yourself and your boyfriend, I don’t get much of an insight into the relationship itself, other than the fact that you meet twice a week and have a great love life.

Of course, it could be that there is a lot more that is not included in the letter, eg that you share similar interests, that you have fun together, that your boyfriend is kind and supportive of you and vice versa. But, to be honest, it is hard to see any of those elements in the dilemma that you spell out about wanting to get married and start a family.

While of course many people have families before getting married today, I am completely in the dark as to why your boyfriend is so adamant about wanting three children before he will even consider a wedding. It simply seems to be his way or the highway – even though he knows your preference on the matter and the fact that there would be a potential major fallout at home over it.

It also concerns me that he has made an accusation that you “don’t trust him” and that he seems to be putting pressure on you to come off contraception, rather than taking your feelings on the matter into consideration.

I am not old-fashioned when it comes to the order of marriage and children, but I do feel that when a couple can’t communicate or reach a compromise on the most important of matters, neither option should be on the table.

Feeling forced into having a baby – or three babies – in the hope of one day getting married, does not look like a great “choice” from where I’m standing, no matter how much you love or fear losing him. Perhaps he might argue that he has been issued with an ultimatum too, but I am still uncomfortable with his stance.

While I understand that you feel under pressure to go along with it as this is your “only chance”, I would argue strongly that this would be a big mistake. After all, if you both can’t agree even at this stage, what issues will arise when there is a young child to take into account as well?

If your boyfriend is open to it and wants this relationship to work, couples counselling might be beneficial to help you both untangle what you both want and why.

You can find details of a registered counsellor in your area online at www.irish-counselling.ie or by linking in with an organisation like ACCORD or Relationships Ireland.

Like most things in life, if you stay true to yourself then you will rarely go wrong. I do wish you the best of luck and hope that you make the decision that is right for you. CL