When it comes to explaining the concept of “mindful parenting”, psychotherapist Harriet McGuigan uses a striking simile from her time working with Aer Lingus. “I was cabin crew for years,” she smiles, “and it’s like putting on your oxygen mask before putting on your child’s.”

And while “mindfulness” has become a buzzword in recent years, the Kerry-based psychotherapist and mother-of-two is passionate about helping parents to incorporate practices such as meditation to help keep your calm and cope with all the challenges that raising children will throw at you: while caring for yourself too.

“We’re so hard on ourselves,” says Harriet, who first became interested in working with children as a volunteer with the ISPCC. She then went on to train as a Montessori teacher and worked as a special aid teacher and a nanny, before studying for eight years to become a psychotherapist.

But despite her vast experience, Harriet freely admits that she struggled herself as a mother before discovering “mindful parenting”.

“I got things very wrong at times as a mom, as many of us mums do,” she acknowledges.

“I wouldn’t have been great to get support at the start of my parenting journey because of shame that I needed support, so I kind of would have ‘hid’ a lot; and I’m very good at putting on ‘the front’.”

But while Harriet says she still faces many challenges, like all mothers, mindful parenting – when practiced over time – helps parents keep their cool and stay grounded in times of stress, to set realistic boundaries with their children, to seek support from peers and to have self-compassion when things do go wrong, rather than beat themselves up. Most importantly, it’s about giving a good example to children about how to deal with difficulties and become more resilient, as well as emphasising the importance of self-compassion.

“I’m really passionate about remembering all the time that these children are going to become adults,” she says, “and the whole point of mindful parenting is that we will have more mindful people in the world.”

Contact

As a psychotherapist, Harriet works with clients to develop mindful parenting strategies on a one-to-one basis, but also gives talks and seminars in schools and to groups nationwide, as well as sharing advice on her website www.harrietmcguigan.com

She also invites readers to join her private Facebook group, Mindful Peeps, where she regularly posts gentle reminders on self-care and conscious living: www.facebook.com/groups/1771366169764005/

Readers can also follow her on Twitter @harhed and on Facebook at www.facebook.com/HarrietMcGuiganPsychotherapy/

Top five tips for mindful parenting

1Meditate daily: Harriet believes in the power of meditation; even if it is just for two minutes a day. She recommends apps such as “Headspace” or “Insight Timer”, which offer short, guided exercises to help you calm down if you find yourself reaching boiling point with your children over a messy room, a sibling squabble or a bedtime battle.

“When I’m in that place, I’ll put on Insight Timer, I’ll go into the utility once I know the children aren’t in danger, and I’ll put on a two-minute anger management meditation,” she says, explaining that even taking a short “time out” as a parent can help you to deal with the situation in a more rational manner, rather than flying off the handle.

2Make me time: But even if meditation is not your bag, Harriet believes that making “me time” is vital as a mindful parent.

“It’s having something that’s different to just doing the daily chores,” she explains. “It could be making sure that you go to your salsa class, making sure you have a date night even every six weeks with your husband. It’s feeding that part of yourself as well.”

3Connect with other parents: It is also important to connect with other mothers and fathers, to share advice for all the challenges that parenting can and will present; whether it’s joining a mother and toddler group or simply picking up the phone to a trusted friend if you find yourself struggling.

“She usually will put things in perspective in relation to the situation,” she says of the simple act of calling a friend. “Too often we isolate ourselves as mums, which is no good for mother or child.”

4Express yourself, safely: Frustrated with your child’s behaviour and just want to stomp and scream? Techniques such as journaling can help release pent up emotions in a healthier way for both parent and child. “Journaling is a really good strategy if we’re stuck, even if we’re really angry with our child,” she explains. “It’s not about squashing the anger away, but writing out what we’re frustrated about with the child and finding a safe way to tear it up or burn it. It gets out that toxic stuff. It’s often not really about the child anyway: it’s about our own lack of self-esteem.”

5Be perfectly imperfect: If your child is throwing a tantrum in the supermarket over a bar of chocolate and you just don’t feel you have the capacity to diffuse the situation without losing your temper, don’t beat yourself up if you buy the bar for the sake of keeping the peace; and your sanity. “If I feel like I’m going to go over the edge, I’ll just get the bar because I’ll weigh up that them having the bar with another bit of sugar is better than them having a slap from me, because that’s more damaging,” says Harriet. “So I’ll try to check in with myself.”

Q&A Mindful parenting

My son won’t settle down to do his homework when he comes home from school. How can I deal with this situation without getting frustrated? When your child comes home from school, be mindful that they’ve probably been sitting for seven hours, they’ve been having to behave for seven hours, stay in a routine, etc. Some children can just flow from that and sit down again for another 45 minutes of homework, while some children are literally up to their neck with sitting. What I feel is a very good strategy is connecting with the child, eg letting them go out with the dog for a while – giving them that bit of movement first and then coming back to the homework. Rather than going in with all guns blazing and both of you ending up crying.

How do I help my three-year-old adjust to the arrival of his new baby sister? He goes from being ‘all about her’ to tearful and sometimes rough. The first thing to make sure of is that you’re self-caring. When you have that ‘oxygen’ you won’t be shaming the three-year-old’s feelings, but including him in some little tasks, eg bringing the Sudocrem, or saying things like: ‘This baby girl is so lucky to have a big brother’. It’s building a relationship rather than going: ‘Stop that. Why are you at the baby? You’re so bold’. Which is more of the older model. It’s also being mature enough to ask for help, in terms of talking to your mum, or mother-in-law or family/friends, and just saying: ‘This is really hard at the moment. It won’t be hard forever, but would you mind watching the baby for half an hour and I’ll do some Lego with her brother’. Make time for a little connection.

My child spends too much time on their smartphone and there is always a huge row when I try to take it away. What should I do? The first thing I say to parents is you need to reflect on how you are with the use of your phone before you go near a child. As parents, we need to look at ourselves, at our social media and our usage and think of how addicted we get; so can you imagine how addictive technology is for children? Once we’ve ‘checked in’ with ourselves – are we at boiling point or are we actually quite sane here and can manage the situation – you could try something like: ‘I’m going to take the iPad off you right now and there might be consequences. If this keeps going on you might not be able to get it tomorrow and I know you like being on your iPad’. Go from there, eg maybe by gradually reducing their screen time by 10 minutes first and so on.