Yet another leaflet arrived the other morning in the post, advising me on best agricultural practice for my farm.

These ‘Helping You Comply’ bulletins undoubtedly spell out exactly what should and shouldn’t be happening on farms, but whether an individual farmer takes time to read them is another matter entirely. There are so many requirements associated with the art of farming that I just assume everything I want to do is probably illegal, and use this line of thought as a base point to start from.

However, I also thought that a quick multiple-choice quiz would be an appropriate way for someone to ascertain whether or not they were up to date with the latest rules and regulations.

1. All fertilizers, chemical and organic, must not be applied when heavy rain is forecast within:

A: 48 hours

B: One week

C: Irrelevant question. A good plump of rain is the best way to wash in the nitrogen and get a flush of grass.

2. All fertilizers must not be applied to a field with an incline of greater than:

A: 20%

B: 45%

C: My fields aren’t that steep. Sure, I was able to run up them last year with two tonnes of artificial in the spinner, and the nose of the tractor wasn’t even dancing.

3. If a bovine animal loses one ear tag, the herd keeper should:

A: Immediately contact their chosen supplier and re-tag the animal as soon as possible.

B: Immediately contact their chosen supplier and re-tag the animal at the first appropriate opportunity.

C: Write the tag number in the dirt on the side of the jeep, with a mental note to wait until another couple of cattle have lost tags, as this will keep the postage cost down when the new tags are delivered.

4. You must identify all lambs on your holding with an EID tag set by the time they reach:

A: Nine months of age.

B: Two months of age.

C: The gates of the mart or abattoir.

5. The optimum index for phosphorus (P) in intensive grassland or silage crops is:

A: 1

B: 3

C: Every farmer since your great-great grandfather knows you can’t have land in a bit of good heart by skimping on precious nutrients. Therefore, the more phosphate you can lash on, the better.

6. Regarding pesticide application, you (or a contractor) must record:

A: All applications.

B: All applications, except spot spraying.

C: The barley fields only, since this will keep the ‘quality assurance’ man happy. Sure, what’s the point in writing down a load of nonsense after spraying a few thistles in a grass field?

7. If you keep livestock, what veterinary products should be recorded in the veterinary medicine booklet?

A: All veterinary medicinal products or other treatments.

B: Only antibiotics.

C: Only those products present on farm at time of any farm inspection.

If you answered mostly A for these questions, you can consider yourself a truly modern farmer, well equipped to handle the complexities of 21st century agricultural challenges.

In addition, should you decide to retire from active farming, a ready-made job awaits you in the ranks of DARD or the NIEA.

If B was your predominant answer, it is obvious that your agricultural knowledge is a bit rusty, and perhaps a refresher course at one of our colleges would be a positive step. There is a strong likelihood that you have been farming for too many years, and are in need of some rejuvenating.

But if you answered mostly C, you are not the sort of person that our industry needs or wants. In fact, it is people like you who have made all these inspections, rules, and red tape necessary. If it wasn’t for you, Northern Ireland would be known as a centre of agricultural excellence, admired and revered all over the world.

You should consider selling your farm, since it probably is some sort of environmental hazard anyway. Shame on you.

*This article was originally published in the Irish Farmers Journal on 27 March 2014.