Dear Miriam,

I wish to congratulate and commiserate with the wonderfully honest and accurate letter written by the lady who has experienced dreadful cruelty and exclusion from her husband’s farming family (edition 20 May).

This persecution of women arriving to live on farms (be they from an urban or farming background) is scarily common. It is time to take this evil ostracism of women from the back page of the “women’s section” of the Irish Farmers Journal and to openly debate it in the editorial of both the main paper and Irish Country Living.

Modern Ireland is inundated with initiatives for quotas to allow women to achieve equality in society, and yet the farming community stands back and allows modern, educated young women whose only crime is to fall in love and wholeheartedly marry farmers to be then treated like third-class citizens by their in-laws (while their off-farm salaries are simultaneously used in many cases to disguise unprofitable farming methods).

After luring her into their honey trap, her only thanks is constant attacks and disrespect from the farming family they were “lucky enough” to marry into. “Didn’t she land on her feet marrying into us?”

No recognition of her attempts to fit in or her contribution – be it financial, children, new farming initiatives or all three. It would seem many women are treated abominably by their unweaned adult husbands, who betray their wife and children by siding with their begrudging, insecure family of origin. Let’s open up the conversation and include the men and women in the discussion and finally put an end to this unacceptable torture.

Sincerely,

Leinster Reader

Dear Leinster Reader,

Thank you for getting in touch. It seems that the very articulate and heartfelt letter that you refer to from the edition of 20 May has struck a chord with many of our readers, voicing their unspoken – or unheard – concerns.

However, I feel I have to add that, due to the nature of this page, we don’t tend to get too many letters from people who enjoy a good relationship and support from their in-laws, and of course they exist too. That’s not to take away from your point at all: it’s just to provide a bit of balance on the issue, which I believe is only fair. That said, I am equally sure that there are many people at home nodding in recognition as they read your letter, word for word.

I would certainly be interested in hearing from more of our readers who wish to share their personal experiences of “marrying in” – be they positive or painful – and explore how they have handled the unique dynamic, look at what supports are available to them if they feel they are struggling, etc. Please feel free to write or email in confidence to miriam@farmersjournal.ie.

You sound like a very strong and self-assured woman, but if you ever do feel that you would benefit from support for your own situation at any time, I would always recommend speaking to a professional counsellor. There are so many benefits in terms of giving yourself space and time to voice your concerns and frustrations in complete confidence.

Sometimes it can be very overwhelming trying to deal with these types of situation – especially if you do feel all alone, or as you say, ostracised – and it can be a great help and support to know somebody “has your back.”

You can find details of a registered counsellor in your area through the Irish Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy on www.iacp.ie, while a local family/women’s resource centre should also be able to point you towards an appropriate service.

Thank you for your contribution Leinster Reader and let’s see what response it generates. In the meantime, I wish you all the best in your own journey. CL