It was the most beautiful of summer mornings. Tim was going to be away for the day as he had a meeting up the country. That’s a rarity now compared with his time as deputy president of the IFA.

I rarely speak much about my relationship with Tim, because it’s just personal and would be grossly unfair to my wonderful husband. But I’m going to share this particular morning with you. After 35 years of marriage we can still nearly have a spat. It’s a reminder to be always working on the relationship, to keep it well oiled. To be honest, in hindsight it was just a lack of coherent communication.

Colm was on holidays, so it’s like old times when I would do the milking to allow other jobs to be completed. In fact, I thoroughly enjoy being in a position to milk the cows, sort the grass and so on. We had a discussion about it the next morning. The cows were in one of the furthest away plots. They possibly would be finished there. We always give them their time to come home, not to stress them in any way. It would take half an hour or so. I said I’d bring in the cows in the morning.

Normally, one would bring in the cows while Diarmuid would ready the yard. My enthusiasm got the better of me, so I was up and out bright and early. By the time I was home with the cows I expected that the lads would be in the yard. Instead they were just arriving, as Tim had to attend to a few other chores first. So he questioned me as to why I had brought the cows myself and commented that I hadn’t fixed the gates. He now had to open the gates of the collecting yard against the cows. I could see that he was exasperated with me. There was a right tension between us. Diarmuid and I milked away, but I was upset and uneasy. A few tears even escaped.

Years ago a few comments of criticism like that could lead to a full-blown row.

There’s no point in pretending that arguments don’t occur in relationships, and ours is no different, but the trick is in resolving them quickly.

I could hear Tim on the loader feeding out silage for the cows. Meanwhile, D and I were getting on with the job of milking.

NOTHING

Women are emotional by nature. We overthink things and find problems where there are none. I was scolding myself for feeling hard done by. I knew Tim was busy and in a rush.

Then he arrived to finish off the milking himself. I was still smarting from the earlier comments. He has been dealing with me far too long and could read my face. “What’s wrong?” he asked. I told him that I was hurt by his earlier remarks. He explained that he didn’t know I was going out for the cows. I said I’d told him the night before, and so on. Very quickly we drew a line under it and put it down to crossed lines of communication. Years ago, it might have gone on for the day with us not talking about it, or more to the point, with me not talking about it. He might ask “What’s wrong?” and I might reply the elusive “nothing”. What men don’t understand is that “nothing” said in a certain way means loads. But men are straightforward beings and accept the “nothing” as really being nothing.

Meanwhile, you are feeling unloved, unappreciated, he doesn’t care, he doesn’t understand. The tears fall and the row worsens. One of my friends describes this state as “we’re all picture and no sound”.

I think it captures the mood admirably. “All picture and no sound” days are not pleasant. So I learned many years ago that honesty is the best policy, so out with it, no matter how silly it sounds. How often over the years have I heard the words from the men, both young and old: “But why didn’t you say that.” When we are busy, we are not tuned into others and not as receptive to others’ feelings. It takes effort even after 35 years to make it work.

The real point is that we both went on to have a happy and productive day. A few days later, it was our actual anniversary. Tim suggested we go out to dinner to celebrate. We decided on our local gastro pub/restaurant, Blair’s Inn. We’ve been there many times and it never fails to satisfy, with beautifully-cooked local food. The day was balmy. We chose to sit outside in the garden.

That evening, there was a trad group playing and singing at one of the tables. There were no microphones and people could continue to chat and enjoy the good weather and food. Tim had ordered two glasses of champagne to start the evening off. We had Clonakilty black pudding and goat’s cheese tartlets, followed by steak and duck. Accompaniments and sauces are of premium quality at Blair’s family-run restaurant. We had a lovely evening, a fitting celebration for our 35th anniversary: private and local.

The farm

Last week, I said that we would definitely make more bales of silage. Because of the severity of drought conditions that we’ve just been through, it is now looking less likely. We will now start building grass covers for the autumn.

Thunder and lightning storms brought us 23ml of rain. A further 16ml fell since, bringing a welcome end to the drought. The grass will most definitely respond, taking that stress away and allowing us to flourish again. CL