If only the pubs were open there’d be some conversations.

“This pandemic thing is gone mad hasn’t it?”

“Aye, it’s the Government’s fault. They didn’t listen to NPHET and opened everything up too quick. They should close everything until we have no cases.”

“That’s alright for you to say because you’ve a cushy State job. I haven’t had work since March.”

“You said in November we should go back to Level 3 for Christmas didn’t ya?”

“I did.”

“And what do you think now?”

“Oh I knew we would have all these cases but we had to be able to celebrate Christmas.”

“I was reading on Twitter that we should have done like they did in Sweden. They let it run wild and now everything is open again, isn’t it?”

“No. Don’t believe everything you read on Twitter.”

“Well, we should have done what they did in New Zealand.”

“But New Zealand is in the middle of nowhere. We are part of the EU and share a border with the UK, which is now gone from the EU.”

“Well then we should put up border checks.”

“What are you talking about? Aren’t you the one who has been complaining about Brexit for the past four years!?”

“They need to keep the schools closed because my wife is a teacher and she says that there are loads of cases being kept quiet.”

“Ah, that’s easy for you to say because you are working from home so you can mind the children. What about herself and myself who are essential workers?”

“My grandson is very worried now about the Leaving Cert. He has studied hard to get what he wants and was looking forward to getting back to school until the teachers’ unions kicked up.”

“Ah what’s this infatuation with the Leaving Cert? They should just scrap it like they have in the North.”

“Huh, and weren’t you the fella pointing out how backward they are the North with all the cases they have!”

“Teachers can get the virus too, so they were right to kick up a fuss and put the Government in their place.”

“But did you not hear that poor woman on the wireless with a special needs child who is at her wits end because the schools are closed?”

“Anyway, weren’t we blessed that we had the hurling and football to keep us going up until Christmas?”

“Sure wasn’t it all the GAA clubs celebrating that caused the second wave?”

“Ah yeah, and were they responsible for the second wave across Europe at the same time?”

“They should have just closed the airport completely and that would have solved it.”

“Well then, how would that daughter and nephew of yours who were in Australia and answered that ‘be on call for Ireland’ thing have got home?”

“Ah that’s different. They should just close down the country completely and double the PUP until everybody is vaccinated.”

“But sure if we close down the country, where do we get the tax to double the PUP?”

“Well we can borrow it, can’t we? Didn’t we bail out the banks and saddle our great grandchildren with billons of debt?”

“They were crowing that Ireland had the best record in Europe. Now we have the worst. It’s great to hear, because I don’t like that Donnelly fella.”

“It’s the Governments fault.”

“No, it’s NPHET’s fault.”

“It’s definitely not my fault.”

“Three more pints there, Mick, and can I tap?”

Miracle work

Cavan man: “Lord in heaven please, please help me win the lotto”. This goes on every Wednesday and Saturday until, eventually, God replies: “I will try, but first you must buy a ticket.”