Dear Miriam,

I’m a single woman in my mid-30s. I farm at my own place and also work for my parents on their farm. Since moving into my own place a few years back, I had a neighbour in his 60s who would call in. I saw no harm in it, just thought he was being a good neighbour, eg if I was in the middle of fencing he would help. But as time went on, I started to feel uncomfortable. When I would be on the tractor and loader, he would grab his private parts and make inappropriate comments. My parents told me not to say anything or upset him, that it was good he was calling in. He would also be in my parents’ farm helping out with jobs there.

One day, while working in my parents’ place with my dad beside me, he came up behind me and grabbed my ass. I could not hold back. I asked him if he had just grabbed my ass and he laughed in my face. My dad told me not to speak to him like that and just shut up.

I didn’t. I stayed going and told him he had no right to touch me; to which he turned to my dad and laughed saying: “Someone is in a bad mood today”. That pushed me over the edge even more. My dad in return told me to go home, which hurt me really badly.

For a whole month, I didn’t go to my parents’ house or farm and just worked on my own place. My dad refused to talk to me and me to him.

After some time, I agreed to talk with my parents. I told them how I was feeling and that I had gone on anxiety medication. I slowly went back to work with them, but soon saw this man around the place and being brought in for tea. At this point, I had a major panic attack.

As time went on, I would only go in when it suited me and for the last two weeks things were going great again. Until last night. When I was talking with my mother, she said this man had been in the last few days while I was in the fields working and that once I felt the anxiety meds were working, I could apologise for my actions. My heart fell. My dad can hardly look at me from time to time.

I don’t know what I have done wrong and why they keep pushing me aside and blame me for what he did. I feel under-valued and unwanted. I have given up trying to tell them that what happened was wrong.

It’s the first time in my life that I have seen my parents in this light. They are usually very open-minded and willing to help any of their children with any problem. Now I feel like I’m the bad person. My head is out of control and I’m hurting inside so bad. Am I wrong to not want to apologise or to not want to be around this man?

Female Farmer

Dear Female Farmer,

You have nothing to feel bad about or to apologise for. This man’s behaviour is completely unacceptable and you did the right thing in standing up for yourself. In fact, you should be very proud of how you asserted yourself in that situation.

Of course, your parents’ reaction has made the situation even more difficult. Maybe it’s a generational thing when it comes to thinking that this behaviour is in any way okay, or the fear of falling out with a neighbour, but again, you are in the right here. Of course, we always want our parents to do the right thing by us, but sometimes they can’t see what that is.

I think it might be helpful to speak with a counsellor/therapist, especially as the situation is causing you so much anxiety. Counselling will give you a safe space to express how you are feeling and help you lay out clear boundaries, both with this man and your parents – that he does not come near your farm and that he stays away if you are on the home farm. You can find an accredited counsellor in your area on https://iacp.ie/. I would also seek support from good friends and if you have a sibling that understands, they might be able to help your parents see sense. You are a strong, young woman and nobody has the right to make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy. I wish you the best of luck.

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