Dear Miriam,

I am still in love with my old flame from 25 years ago. She is a widow now and mother of two teenagers. I am single, but never got my sweetheart out of my mind. I talk to her once in a while but we are at opposite ends of the country. I often wonder if we could have a long-distance relationship, just be companions for one another? Go to dinner or weekends away? We still have the chemistry on the phone. Losing her husband three years ago, I don’t want to look creepy. What should I do?

Old Flame

Dear Old Flame, how wonderful to see that romance is not dead! You don’t mention in your letter why you broke up with your former sweetheart, but you’ve remained friendly, which is a good sign.

I don’t think there is anything “creepy” about the situation, but as she has been through a personal loss and has two teenagers to consider, a relationship may not be on her radar right now. But who knows? You feel the chemistry is there. Maybe she does too. There’s only one way to find out.

Perhaps give her a call and say that you are going to be near her local town some day and ask if she would like to meet for a coffee/lunch? That way, it would not feel so much like a “date” in the way that dinner might, with the pressure that might put on either of you.

I would say hold off on the declarations of love though: just take it slow and see how you get on together, if you have much in common etc. If the meeting goes well, you could always follow up with a nice message or card to say how much you enjoyed her company and that you would love to meet again if she was interested. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I wish you luck.

A reader writes: walk away

Dear Miriam,

I write in response to a recent letter from a young gentleman who expressed grave doubts about marrying his fiancée.

It could have been written by myself 28 years ago. I had similar doubts – not about the institution of marriage itself but about my fiancé. He had been with a few other girls during the courtship and I had realised that he had very different views on marriage, sexuality and loyalty. As he was a nice man, I talked myself out of my doubts in much the way you pointed out that the young man may have been operating double standards.

With respect, I would like to say that, in my opinion, you missed the point. That point is that the nature of serious doubts is really unimportant – a moot point. The crux of the matter is that serious doubts exist – a gut feeling – and in my experience, to ignore those is very wrong. If serious doubts exist, and they do for this man, he must walk away. They are not right for each other.

I ignored my gut feeling, I married my nice man and have been unhappy every day since for exactly the reasons I identified before marriage. I almost killed myself due to my awful marriage. What a waste of two lives. We might have found happiness with other people. I would really hate to think of two other people ending up in the mess I have due to lacking the courage to listen to doubts and walk away.

Wexford Reader

PS I think you do excellent work. I always find something to ponder in your replies and have grown as a person as a result. May you have health and happiness in your life.

Dear Wexford Reader,

Thank you for your kind comments regarding the column, as well as the very important points you make with regards the recent dilemma. I suppose from my point of view, when I receive a letter on a sensitive situation, it is difficult to have the full picture; or all the answers. What I try to do is “tease” out the issue and direct the person to an appropriate professional (eg a relationship counsellor) so they can work out the best solution in a supportive environment.

That said, your advice is so wise and heartfelt and should strike a chord with many people, who may have their own doubts, to not ignore their gut feeling. I also wish you health and happiness and would encourage you not to be afraid either to seek support with your situation. Thank you for getting in touch. CL