Dear Miriam,

A friend of mine recently broke up with her long-term boyfriend and has asked me to go on holidays with her this summer. I love her to bits, enjoy spending time together and want to support her at this time; but we have different ideas of what constitutes a good holiday. She loves lazing by the pool then heading out at night for cocktails and dancing, where I prefer to see the sights by day and get an early night.

I don’t want to let her down, as I know she has had a rough time of it, but at the same time, I don’t want to spend precious holidays from work – and money – on a trip where I won’t be able to do my own thing and return home tired and resentful.

But time is ticking and she is looking to book something. What do you think I should do?

Confused Friend

Dear Confused Friend,

Thank you for your letter. I understand your dilemma; but like nearly every problem that comes in to this page, the solution can usually be found through communication and compromise.

If you feel you would like to support your friend at this time – and that you could do with a holiday yourself – what you could do is find a destination that ticks a lot of the boxes for you both, for instance somewhere like Barcelona, where you have plenty of sunshine and easy access to the beach/pool, but also enough cultural options to keep you entertained during the day if you like to get out and about.

Activities like food tours are also a great way to combine socialising with culture, so maybe your friend would be open to joining something like that. Similarly, if you have a book you’re dying to get into, you could also do your sight-seeing in the morning and join your friend on the sun loungers in the afternoon, when it’s too warm to do much else.

If you are both comfortable enough to do your own thing during the day and meet up for lunch/dinner and drinks in the evening – with a balance between early and later nights – I can’t see how you could not enjoy yourselves, once you both respect what you both need from the holiday.

If that feels like it might still be a challenge, however, you could test the water with a long weekend, or simply look at other ways to spend quality time together more regularly closer to home – by meeting up for a walk or a coffee or a trip to the cinema, for example.

I hope this helps and if you decide to jet off, I wish you a wonderful time.

a matter of choice

In reply to the daughter who had a serious row with her father over the recent eighth amendment referendum.

By now, the referendum has passed but it is clear that it aroused very strong feelings on both sides of the debate. When it comes to difficult issues, I think it is important to listen to other people’s opinions even if you have a different viewpoint. That’s why I feel that your father should have given you the space and respect to allow you to voice your personal opinion. Equally, it would have been important to let him explain his stance. At the end of the day, each person was going to have their say at the ballot box.

From your letter, it seems you took your father’s stance on the referendum very much to heart and as a reflection on your relationship with him. However, it might help to re-frame that his reaction was really in response to his firmly held belief, rather than on you. I’m sure there were similar clashes in homes all over Ireland, given people’s deeply held views on either side of the debate, but hopefully, with some time and space, things will settle and you can both move forward.

If you find your father difficult to communicate with on issues apart from this, however, it is worth remembering that while you cannot change another person, you can control how you respond to them. Wishing you and your family all the best. CL