Dear Miriam,

Though it pains me to put pen to paper, I must write. I’ve never needed advice with my marriage before. I’m happily married for 30 odd years. I have a lovely house (recently decorated) and four grown children, one recently married.

We are a sociable couple. We regularly visit our neighbours. One such neighbour was courting a lady from another part of the country. We both got on well with her. Not a special relationship by any means. The courtship ended and they went their separate ways. However, the lady remains in contact with my husband.

She calls him regularly – phone calls that can be rather lengthy. He has spoken to her into the depths of the night – once I heard him on the phone to her at 1.30am. When I want “us time”, she is always on the phone. I don’t know what her motives are, but my husband thinks it’s harmless. This woman loves male company as they understand her! I can’t help but feel intimidated. My daughter-in-law has warned him to tread carefully, to which he responded: “I’ve dealt with many a quare one in my time.” The meaning of this has me still perplexed.

What am I to do? Is my marriage at risk of ruination?

Worried Wife

She calls him regularly – phone calls that can be rather lengthy. He has spoken to her into the depths of the night – once I heard him on the phone to her at 1.30am.

Dear Worried Wife,

Thank you for your letter. Even if this phone contact between your husband and this lady is as harmless as he maintains, it is still problematic, as it is obviously causing you a huge deal of distress and doubt over the future of your marriage.

Of course, I don’t believe there is anything wrong about a married man or woman having friends of the opposite sex; such platonic relationships are healthy and natural.

However, there are appropriate boundaries for every relationship and even I would think twice about ringing my very best friend – female or male – at 1.30am in the morning.

Perhaps your husband sees himself as a friendly shoulder for this woman to cry on after the end of the last relationship. But, again, even this most innocent of explanations is an issue if the contact is such a source of concern to you.

Moreover, the fact that these phone calls are getting in the way of “us time” means this situation really cannot continue the way it is. At the end of the day, his priority should be to support you and not this other woman, no matter how noble his motives.

I suspect it is time to have a serious chat with your husband where you lay your cards on the table about how you really feel and how it has shaken you to your core. He needs to understand that while you are both sociable and enjoy connecting with other people, these long, late phone calls are crossing a line. I’m sure he will have something to say in response, so let him express himself too. At the end of the day, you both need to be communicating with each other.

It might be worth seeing a relationship counsellor to have a neutral party who can hear both sides of the story, look at setting appropriate boundaries and work at rebuilding trust and getting things back on track.

ACCORD offers affordable relationships counselling in over 50 centres nationwide. You can find out more by visiting www.accord.ie or call the central office on 01-505-3112 for details of a centre near you. But even if your husband is unwilling to engage, I would highly recommend that you speak to somebody yourself to help you tease out your concerns in a safe and confidential space and figure out what you need going forward to feel secure in the relationship.

You have enjoyed a very happy 30 years of marriage and there is no reason why you can’t continue to be happy together into the future. But you are right to seek reassurance on this issue as, fundamentally, it is about respect.

I wish you the best of luck. CL

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