Dear Miriam,

Over the Christmas holidays my younger sister (who is in her late 20s and lives in Dublin) announced that she had met somebody special. I was very happy for her initially, until I learned that her boyfriend has a daughter from a previous relationship who is eight years old and lives with her mother, but whom he has every second weekend, etc.

She accused me of being a stuck-up snob and said that I had no idea what I was talking about

I was quite taken aback, and gave her my honest opinion that I would be very careful about getting involved with somebody with “baggage”.

As you can imagine, this did not go down well.

She accused me of being a stuck-up snob and said that I had no idea what I was talking about, that her boyfriend was a great father and that I could keep my opinions to myself. We have not spoken since.

Miriam, I’m sure you can understand that I only expressed my concerns for her. Getting involved with somebody who has a child is no joke, especially when they still have links with their ex, additional financial responsibilities, etc.

I’m sure she is waiting for an apology from me, but to be honest I don’t really think I should apologise for expressing my genuine concerns. What do you think?

Stressed Sister, Munster

Dear Stressed Sister,

Thanks for your letter. I do understand that your reaction to your sister’s news over Christmas was prompted by your concerns for her. Certainly, her boyfriend has responsibilities concerning the love, care and support of his young daughter and realistically this will have an influence on their relationship.

However, she is a grown woman in her late 20s and she is allowed to make her own decisions about who she would like to go out with. I’d like to imagine that she did not go into the relationship blindly and looks at the fact that he is a good father as a positive thing.

There are many reasons why relationships do not work out and people decide to go their separate ways, but that does not mean that they are not entitled to find happiness again with a future partner.

Hopefully, she will see that you are coming from a place of concern for her and perhaps apologise for some of the comments that she made about you in the heat of the argument

To be perfectly honest, I would also baulk at the word “baggage” to refer to a little child or their needs in a new relationship.

Yes, it might be more complicated at times, but that does not mean that it can’t be worthwhile and wonderful.

Again, I appreciate your worries, but I think it would be much better to be in a position where you can support your sister rather than in this current stalemate.

Would you consider offering the olive branch, having considered the points above?

Hopefully, she will see that you are coming from a place of concern for her and perhaps apologise for some of the comments that she made about you in the heat of the argument. Either way, at least you will have tried.

Moving forward, it might be helpful if you could suspend your doubts until you had the chance to meet her boyfriend.

You might very well be pleasantly surprised and understand exactly why your sister has decided to embark on this relationship.

But at the end of the day, it remains her decision and it’s important to accept that. I wish you all the best of luck.

This law is long overdue

Dear Miriam,

Please inform your readers of the following. There is a law now that makes it a crime to commit psychological abuse, emotional abuse, coercion, and/or control over someone in an intimate relationship.

Women are writing in regularly mentioning being abused, controlled, etc.

There is a law now making this a crime and the perpetrator can be jailed for up to five years.

Of course this law also applies in cases where women are the perpetrators and men the abused.

This law is long overdue. It brings balance to relationships and helps women feel empowered.

Sincerely,

Kerry woman

Dear Kerry woman,

Thank you for getting in touch. The legislation to which are referring to is the Domestic Violence Act 2018, and further details on this can be found online or by connecting with a support organisation such as Women’s Aid on 1800-341-900, or visiting www.womensaid.ie.

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