Hi Miriam,

I am responding to the letter, “I have nowhere to go, no money and no hope”. I would suggest this lady look up her nearest Carers Association office (Family Carers Ireland: 1800-240724). They can offer great support, help and advice. She and the person she is caring for may be able to join them on outings and day trips etc. I would also suggest she contact her public health nurse and doctor as they can help her apply to the HSE for a care package. Depending on the needs of the person she is caring for, she might be able to get help for a few hours per week so she can take a break or she might be able to get respite care. Has she looked into the carers’ allowance?

Best wishes,

Breda

Hello Miriam,

I was a family carer for 21 years. This lady should contact the Family Carers’ centre in her own town. They offer support, counselling, run courses on caring/care of yourself, compassion, fatigue as well as yoga and monthly meeting with guest speakers.

She would also meet and share problems with other family carers in the group. They also have a nurse-led clinic. Family carers also go on a respite break once a year and meet carers from all over Ireland.

She would need to get her public health nurse on board too for home help or for her dependent relative to attend a day centre for a couple of days. Also to get respite for the dependent relative, this would give her a break too.

The problem is lack of info from HSE for family carers. They are not recognised at all in society for the work they do.

Anne

Dear Miriam,

Being a full-time carer is one of the hardest jobs possible; nearly always, the job is left to one person. She is also being made feel guilty if she wants some time out.

I would suggest she contacts a health nurse or doctor’s surgery so that respite can be arranged for a week or so, every so often. I wonder does the carer know that she is entitled to apply for carer’s allowance? She also needs some outside help for a few hours/days to give her some “me time”.

These are just a few pointers for this lady because she just has to change, as she is in an impossible situation that cannot be allowed to continue for her own health.

I wish her good health and happiness for the future.

Journal Reader

Hi Miriam,

Your article last week is right up there with one of the saddest I’ve encountered.

I can’t seem to conclude who exactly the dependent relative is. Is it her husband, one of her husband’s parents, or one of her own parents? If it’s her husband that has a long-term illness, then he has emotionally blackmailed her for a long time. This needs to stop, whether he’s the dependent relative or not.

Secondly, if it’s one of his parents, while you come across as a lovely lady full of goodness, you need to pass the responsibility over to your husband to come up with an alternative solution. Tell him that you will do your share, but you have a life to live too.

And thirdly if it’s a parent of your own, you need to get support from all around you. Get in touch with your local public health department, Citizens Information and even a solicitor to see what options there are.

What about your grown-up children? Where do they stand in all of this? Are they prepared to help out? Have you got siblings of your own and if so, while you might be next of kin etc, that doesn’t mean that you should do everything on your own.

Always giving to others can be to the detriment of yourself. This needs to change. You have only one life to live, start today. Put yourself first. Be brave. Get professional help. Make difficult decisions and stick to them.

My heart goes out to you. Hope this is of some benefit. I wish you well.

Regular reader

Dear Miriam,

I would encourage this lady to contact her local public health nurse. Maybe home help could be arranged, or day care available locally and transport provided? Carer’s allowance and respite grant may provide a little money to call her own. Respite might also be available.

I hope this lady will also ask her own children to assist in getting out, even to meet for a cup of coffee or mind the dependent relative when she might visit her hairdresser or visit a friend.

Best wishes,

Agnes