Growing up on a farm in rural Monaghan I felt so far away from everything,” says Zoe, an ambassador for See Change, the organisation seeking to break down stigma around mental health. “Socialising was difficult, as I lived a good half hour from where I went to school and from where my friends lived. I felt like I was living in the middle of nowhere. A consequence of this was that I was a home bird and very close to my family, so when I moved away to college it was really difficult.”

Zoe now realises that she struggled a bit with her mental health when she was in secondary school too – but she is only able to see that now, having had a diagnosis of depression and a few years’ experience of coping with and managing the condition.

“There were times, looking back, when I was extremely low in secondary school. I couldn’t sleep and I had a fear of going to school every day. While I was studying and doing OK academically, I used to take a lot of sick days especially round my Leaving Cert. I see now they were early indicators of my depression.”

At college she couldn’t face going to lectures and even though she loved her course she couldn’t enjoy it the way she wanted to.

Spent days in bed

“I felt more and more isolated and struggled to make friends. I used to spend days in bed. I couldn’t face having to see people. I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. After the weekends at home I’d be terrified of going back to Dublin.”

Not knowing what job she wanted to aim for after college was a problem for her too, she believes. “While I was studying my favourite subjects, English and history, I didn’t know what I wanted to be after I’d finished college. I think that meant I didn’t have enough motivation at the time either.”

Zoe hid her depression from her family for months, she says. “When they’d ask me how I was getting on in college I’d come out with something that made it sound like I was having a great time. I don’t think they fully realised until I told them I’d been to a doctor in college and had a diagnosis of severe depression.

“I think they were so used to my moods over a long period that they didn’t realise they had got so serious.

“It was a difficult time. When I was depressed I could live off toast for a week. You don’t have a lot of self-worth and I even struggled to shower, as I didn’t see the point. Such a basic thing was very difficult to do. It’s like you don’t care enough about yourself to make an effort.”

Zoe sought medical help in the April before her first year exams.

Counselling

“When I went to the doctor I was immediately brought in for an emergency counselling session. It was through counselling that I really came to terms with why I had developed depression, where it had come from. It really made me feel that I was not alone, that what I was going through was quite normal, actually.”

While Zoe got the points she needed in her Leaving Cert and passed her first-year college exams, she believes it was pure luck. “So many people in my position wouldn’t have been able to. I feel extremely lucky that, despite my depression, I got these chances in my life.”

The following summer wasn’t easy for her, though. “Because there was a waiting list I couldn’t get regular counselling sessions until the following September. I was battling with my own thoughts that summer and had been on medication since seeing the doctor. But without talk therapy I wasn’t making progress. I think I was too scared to seek counselling locally. I think I felt stigmatised and didn’t want people knowing or to tell my home GP.”

Transformation time

Going to counselling when she returned to college in the autumn was transformational for her, however.

“It turned my life around,” she says. “I found second year much easier. I was more confident in myself and able to meet people and become friends and follow my own passions. I had never had that before. It was only really through talk therapy that I realised I’m not a failure or less of a person.”

Zoe also did a course in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) in second year to learn strategies to cope with day-to-day life.

“I still struggle to apply it all the time, but it’s a really useful tool to tackle your own self-defeating thoughts. I went for talk therapy (counselling) once a week for four months altogether. At the end of that time the counsellor remarked on the progress I’d made and said he was really proud of me. It felt really good to have someone say that. It was up to me then. I knew I needed skills and tools and needed to apply them.”

Helping others helped me

Getting involved in mental health activism also really helped Zoe, she says. “Helping to run community events around mental health on campus in UCD became a therapy by itself. I could show that I could raise awareness and make sure no one else felt as alone as I did and show that there are supports out there when you need help.”

Zoe considers recovery to be a very big term. “It’s a term I’ve struggled with. Some people would say recovery is not being on medication or it is practising yoga every day. To me it’s a process.

“There are lots of things you can do to help yourself recover. I’m not fully recovered, I’m still on medication and my mood can get low, but I think recovery for me is knowing that there are still good days. In the past I used to think there weren’t any good days but at least now I know what I can do to lift my mood.”

Hope is really important, Zoe says. “When you struggle with depression you can’t see any hope and when you get hope back that probably is recovery!”

Zoe doesn’t think she was educated about the signs of depression in secondary school. “It’s getting better now. People with mental-health issues used to be portrayed as crazy and weren’t treated with respect or dignity. I didn’t have an understanding of it growing up.

“That means you don’t understand it when it’s happening to yourself. Even in college it wasn’t until someone else made the suggestion that maybe I should see a doctor or counsellor that I realised that ‘Oh, there’s a connection between how I’m feeling and this mental-illness thing’. I was lucky to be able to get counselling through college. There is always such a waiting list.”

"Shouldn't be brushed over in rural Ireland"

Zoe thinks stigma around mental health is lessening in Ireland now. “It’s become easier for me to talk about it anywhere. I started a blog as well, called "I believe in Romeo". When I started that people I had been to school with saw it and became aware of what I’d been through, so I wouldn’t say I’d be afraid of talking about it at home anymore. At the time I was first diagnosed I really didn’t want anyone to know, though.

“Mental health is being talked about much more now and more understood in rural Ireland because it has become such a wide issue everywhere. Mental health in rural Ireland shouldn’t be brushed over. People should be able to tell someone if they are feeling depressed,” says Zoe. CL

Green ribbon campaign

Family friendly Let’s Walk And Talk Forest Walks are being staged by the IFA, Coillte and Mental Health Ireland during weekends in May as part of the 2016 Green Ribbon Campaign. See www.greenribbon.ie.

Half a million green ribbons will be sent out to homes, workplaces, schools, colleges and communities all over Ireland. Wear a green ribbon and help end mental health stigma and discrimination in Ireland.

Zoe's tips for wellness

  • Cognitive behavioural therapy can be really helpful in combating negative thought patterns.
  • Talking is really important – to friends, to family, to your counsellor.
  • Build a support network around you.
  • Have “me time” and exercise, eat healthily and get a good night’s sleep. Eating well is important because what you eat affects your mood. One little everyday tip Zoe recommends is to always make your bed. She says: “I don’t know why, but I feel much better getting into a made bed than a messy bed at night. It’s just nice to come home to a tidy room.
  • Tips to help friends

  • Talk, but listen too . Simply being there will mean a lot.
  • Take your lead from the person. As a first step, ask them how best you can help.
  • Avoid the cliché phrases like “cheer up”, “I’m sure it’ll pass”, and “pull yourself together”. These definitely won’t help. Being open-minded, non-judgemental and listening will.
  • Keep in touch: There are lots of small ways of showing support – send a text or just ask someone how they’re doing
  • Don’t just talk about mental health: Just be yourself, chat about everyday things as well.
  • To find out more about See Change, visit their website at www.SeeChange.ie or email info@seechange.ie

    Get help

    Call the Samaritans on 116 123 for round-the-clock support

    Visit www.yourmentalhealth.ie for a county-by-county directory of support services