They say if you pay peanuts you only get monkeys. Well, I am not so sure but bear with me.

You see, when you exit the fabulous 50s (not) you can’t even hope to keep up with technology. Yes, I can manage to submit this column electronically but that’s about the height of it.

Twitter, for me, is for the birds, the hickory dickory clock goes TikTok and Instagram is, I assume, a modern version of the telegram.

As for Spotify, I have no idea what it is and couldn’t care less. WhatsApp is what I ask Man Friday, Jason, when he rings me.

Yes, I had a smartphone and I’d manage to take a few pictures of exciting things like the meal store and the crush but that’s where it began and ended

That’s all very well but unfortunately technology is here to stay and is very much part of our everyday lives. You now need to know a tech wizard. Take the Bord Bia audit during the lockdown. I was dreading the call but call he did. Yes, I had a smartphone and I’d manage to take a few pictures of exciting things like the meal store and the crush but that’s where it began and ended. The auditor was having none of it. It had to be completed electronically.

I’d get Max to help me, at the weekend when he’s home, to submit the stuff

Did I know any young people who might help me? No. I have a few kids but they aren’t inclined to help their ancient father with modern technology and anyhow none of them were around. But he persisted. I’d get Max to help me, at the weekend when he’s home, to submit the stuff. So we did it – or rather he did it – and I relaxed.

But the poor Bord Bia man – who was only doing his job – rang again a few days later, on a weekday. There was a problem, he needed more stuff and I ate the head off him.

Enter the tech wizard

I went to where I go with most of my problems. Bruno McCormack’s son Anthony is a tech wizard. He’s a master of CAD on the computer which they use to plasma cut steel for fabrication. I gave my phone with pictures to Antonio Banderas – that’s what I call him – and quick as a flash, he uploaded the stuff to the Bord Bia site and job’s done. I’d never have managed it myself.

It was the same with DoneDeal. I’d precast concrete walls to sell and I was sick looking at them.

Twenty minutes later and the phone starts ringing. Five calls later and I had the walls sold

I tried to upload the ad myself but not a chance, so I high-tailed it over to Antonio Banderas with pics and the credit card in my hot little hand. A few minutes later, it’s satisfactorily completed.

Twenty minutes later and the phone starts ringing. Five calls later and I had the walls sold. I thought the same walls would take months to sell but there you go.

Unknown numbers

Next morning, they were more unknown numbers ringing me, mixed in with calls from Tunisia which I think were different and I didn’t answer. They were doing my head in. So I flew over to Banderas to remove the ad before the phone went into meltdown.

I thought about paying him a few bob in commission

It occurred to me that I was beginning to make a habit of this tech wizard service and if I offered something in return, perhaps he wouldn’t mind me asking again. I thought about paying him a few bob in commission – coming from a long line of auctioneers it’s all about commission – but quickly came to the conclusion that a bag of chocolate bars and sweets might hit the spot. They went down a treat – putting paid to the old lie if you pay peanuts all you get is monkeys. And, yes, all the walls are sold.