Dear Miriam,

I am in my early 40s and married to a man who is five years older. I work full-time and he is on the farm working hard. He is mild-mannered and respectful, but won’t go to the doctor. I worry regarding his health as I know heart disease is the lead cause of death in this country. It affects us in the bedroom as he can’t get an erection. I am sexually frustrated and need intimacy.

Maybe I am selfish for my own desires, however, I know I’m not alone as many readers have the same issues. How do I get the man I love to a doctor? Both for his own good and for our marriage?

Frustrated Wife??

Dear Frustrated Wife,

Due to the nature of your query, I have been in touch with psychotherapist and counsellor with Relationships Ireland, Maeve Douglas, for her advice.

Obviously, you are concerned about your husband’s health and want him to see a GP. Rather than marching him off to the doctor, however, what is perhaps needed in the first instance is a heart-to-heart about the relationship, how you both feel about the lack of intimacy and how you can become close again.

While a common problem, this is obviously a sensitive subject for your husband, so it is important that you reassure him that he has your love and support. Explain that you miss the intimacy between you and ask if there is something on his mind, eg health concerns, financial worries etc, that might be affecting his libido. Ask how he feels about the situation, as he must also miss that side of your relationship. Be supportive but clear that it is vital that you both address this issue for the future of the relationship.

Indeed, that may well include going to the GP to rule out any underlying health issues. However, what would also be helpful is to take the pressure off the bedroom for now and spend time together doing things you both enjoy, such as going to the cinema, dressing up and going for dinner. There are also other ways of showing affection – a hug, a kiss, a kind gesture – and if you start to feel close and connected outside the bedroom, that will hopefully spill inside too.

Relationship counselling could also be helpful, as counsellors like Maeve have a lot of experience in supporting couples with these issues. For further information on Relationships Ireland, call 01-678-5256 or visit www.relationshipsireland.com or to find a counsellor in your local area, visit www.iacp.ie

Readers Writes: Public Speaking

Dear Miriam,

To the Cork writer on 3 Sept issue (“I lack confidence”), I would definitely recommend Toastmasters. I’m a dairy farmer who joined a local club two years ago and now really look forward to our meetings. There are people from all walks of life who have their own reasons for wanting to be better at speaking to others. You set your own pace, you are encouraged but not pushed along, and it’s really good fun.

Even the most experienced speaker gets nervous – everyone has their own speaking style and everyone has a story to tell. You are welcome to three club meetings free to see if you would like to join, and when you do, you can attend any club meeting worldwide. Look up www.toastmasters.org to find your local club and go along to check it out.

Readers Writes: using our God-given talents

Dear Miriam,

In reply to the letter ‘Lack of confidence’, I hope the following may be of some help.

I have been a reader for many years. I do enjoy reading but have found it a challenge. You need good preparation. By that I mean reading the particular pieces of scripture a few times. Familiarise yourself with the church, ie walk up to the ambo when there is no one around and practice. At mass, take a seat near the ambo as this will reduce tension.

Being heard is most important. Speak slowly and clearly. Take your time, there is no rush. If you can pause at each paragraph, it helps you and the congregation.

We all feel a bit nervous before reading, but that is a good thing, it helps us to focus and concentrate. The readings only take three to four minutes, so don’t worry, it will all be over before you know.

When you have finished reading and are seated, remember you have helped the priest and the congregation, but the central message is we have used our God-given talents for the benefit of all.

Regular Reader