Dear Miriam,

I wonder if you could advise me in a delicate situation. A friend of mine recently lost her baby through miscarriage. I want to be there for her at this difficult time, but I am currently expecting a baby myself and am worried that she might find meeting me upsetting, or see me as a reminder of what she has lost.

I’d love to call and see her in person, but again I don’t want to impose myself on her or risk causing her further upset

When I did hear the sad news, I sent her a text message to say that I was thinking about her, but have heard nothing back since. I’ve tried not to take this as a personal thing, as I can’t imagine that she would have been in the head space to be texting anyone back at that stage, when she would have been in a state of shock.

I’d love to call and see her in person, but again I don’t want to impose myself on her or risk causing her further upset. But I don’t want her to feel like I am avoiding her either, or worse again, that I’m not thinking of her or don’t care when I think about her and her baby every single day.

What would you advise me to do in this situation?

Worried Friend, Munster

Dear Worried Friend,

Thank you for your email. Your friend has experienced a very painful loss in her life and will be dealing with her grief in her own way at this point.

I understand how torn you must feel between wanting to run to her to comfort her; and yet keep a respectful distance for fear that your own pregnancy might be a reminder of what she has lost.

However, I’m sure that even in the midst of her own pain, she would not begrudge you your own joy and journey. But of course, you are right, things might be very raw for her right now and it can hard to know how to proceed in the circumstances.

I think the best thing to do is to let your friend know that you are thinking of her and that you are only ever a text or a call or a drive away whenever she needs you. You could do this by sending her a beautiful card or a personal letter if you want to go beyond a text message, or if you felt that it was appropriate, by extending a kind gesture eg sending some flowers or a little token or even some home-cooked dinners for her freezer. Small gestures like this can speak volumes, it’s a cliché to say that “it’s the thought that counts”, but in situations like this, it really does mean a lot to know that somebody is thinking about you and your little, much loved baby.

Silence or lack of acknowledgement- even if well intentioned- can often only add to the sense of isolation that a woman can experience after losing a child.

After reaching out in whatever way you feel is most appropriate, I would probably give your friend time and space to reach back to you when she is ready and able. There is some very good advice on the website www.tommys.org on ways to support a friend who has experienced pregnancy loss that might be worth reading.

I would just add that there is no timeline on grief and there might be occasions down the line during your own pregnancy that your friend might draw back, as it might be triggering in terms of her own loss.

If this does happen, just try not to take it personally and remember that she is on her own journey, as are you. I wish you both the very best of luck and love.

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