Dear Miriam,

Our eldest daughter is due to sit her Leaving Cert this June. She has always been an over-achiever, and very hard on herself when it comes to results, even though she always does very well. She wants to do primary teaching, and I am sure she has enough done to get the points, but she lacks faith in herself.

She has always been anxious, but as the exams draw closer, she is becoming more nervy and sometimes tearful, worrying that she does not have enough done, staying up late at night, etc. When I tell her she should go for a walk to clear her head, she says that she doesn’t have time. The way she is going, she will be exhausted before the exams even start.

I know the Leaving Cert is a stressful time, but this can’t be any good for her. Her father says we should just leave her do things her own way, but I want to be able to support her as best I can, but have no experience of bringing a child through the Leaving Cert. Have you any advice to help her – and me – at this time?

Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

Thank you for your letter. I am sure there are a lot of parents who can relate to you right now. I understand it is your first time supporting a child through the Leaving Cert, but remember: you have 17 to -18 years of experience under your belt as her mother, so please be assured that you are well-equipped for the next few weeks.

It is an anxious time for any young person, and it can be hard to know what is the right thing to do or to say. However, what you can do is create a calm and supportive home environment, and reinforce the message that she has worked very hard, but she also needs to look after herself so that she can perform to the best of her ability. This is as essential as the study, if not more.

That means ticking off the three basics: getting enough sleep, eating healthily and getting some sort of exercise or fresh air – even if it’s a quick walk around the farmyard or a lap of a field. If it helps, it might work to draw up a study plan together, incorporating these elements, so that she feels like she is in control and that it is all part of the master plan in the countdown to exam day.

Providing healthy, homemade food is another practical way of supporting somebody, so maybe you could look at including her favourite dishes in the run-up to the exams; but encourage her to leave the bedroom/study and eat together as a family. Drinking plenty of water is also very important, and going downstairs to fill her glass is another way of getting her to take a quick break.

I would also encourage you to work together to agree a study “curfew” each night – 9pm, for example – when she will come downstairs and watch her favourite programme or have a nice bath to help her to unwind and get a good night’s sleep. If she is open to it, introducing her to a mindfulness app like Headspace might also help to calm and centre her when she’s feeling overwhelmed.

Once the exams start, having a good breakfast ready every morning and making sure to leave for the school in plenty of time to avoid any unnecessary stress are two very loving and supportive things that you and your husband can do for your daughter. Having a snack waiting when she comes home will give her a chance to sit down and decompress, but while it is important to listen to how the day went, avoid getting drawn into “postmortems” about what may have gone wrong. Instead, concentrate on a positive message: that you know she has done her best, that you believe in her and that you love her and will be there for her, no matter what.

I hope this is of some use and wish your family the very best of luck with the Leaving Cert journey – you’re almost there. CL