Hi Miriam,

I write with a heavy heart. I also write in the hope you will publish this letter about our mother-in-law who is unfortunately in the last days/weeks of her life. She has been a loyal reader and secretly hoped to make it to the page some day – but thankfully, her daughters-in-law never had the need to complain about her.

We are married to two of her sons who are the most loving husbands, friends and fathers to our beautiful children. They are who they are because of their mother.

Our mother-in-law is the hub of the family and a magnet for her kids, grandkids and her own siblings. She always says what’s on her mind, which is a great trait. She is the most caring, loving, giving woman we know and has always been so supportive.

She has endured a long, brave fight with the big C for the last seven years. Unfortunately, this monster of a disease will win on this occasion. We’re afraid of what’s ahead. The fear of losing an amazing mother-in- law, friend and grandmother. We fear how we are going to tell the kids their nana has passed; a nana they ask about seeing every day. We want them to see her, but we also want them to remember her as she was up until recently: the Nana that would collect them from school and play Rudolf The Red Nose Reindeer in the middle of April to give them a laugh.

What is the best way to tell her how much she means to us? We know she knows how much she means to our husbands and her kids – they have a very close relationship. I want her to know that every time I will hang the clothes out, I will be thinking of her (she just loves clothes on the line)! We want to thank her for making our husbands into the men they are. We will be lost without her. How can we be of support to her and her family whilst they endure seeing the woman we all love slowly slip away?

Loving Daughters-In-Law

Dear Daughters- In- Law,

Thank you for taking the time to write such a beautiful letter during these difficult days. Your mother-in-law sounds like a wonderful woman, and what a blessing it has been to share so much life and love with her. I have spoken with psychotherapist Harriet McGuigan (https://harrietmcguigan.com), who offers this advice: “I am deeply touched by the kind and gorgeous words you have chosen to write to us about your mother-in-law. Your care and love feels tangible. You appear to be very appreciative of how wonderful a mother-in-law you have been blessed with. I truly believe that it takes work, honesty and love from both sides to make any relationship work. I can imagine that when your mother-in-law reads this, she will agree completely.

“She is fortunate her sons have chosen such good wives and mothers to her grandchildren. A good daughter-in-law is an absolute treasure and to have two is a complete blessing.

“You are right that her sons are the wonderful men they are today because of the mothering they have received. It is wonderful that you appreciate this fantastic lady for who she really is – one who speaks her truth and has immense value on family.

“I couldn’t help but smile when you described her playing Christmas music in springtime for the kids. What wonderful memories she has created for them that could possibly be passed on to your children’s children.

“I can only imagine that your beautiful words will be of immense comfort to this special lady as she faces her final days. I hope she is comfortable presently and getting the support she needs.

“One of the most heartbreaking things for us as humans is to turn towards accepting the fact that, at some stage, each and every one of us will die and experience loved ones dying and leaving us in their physical form. It sounds like you are all preparing yourselves as best you can for your mother-in-law’s passing.

“In relation to your children, I urge you to include them as much as possible in nana’s final hours, days, weeks and possibly months. Please do not let your fears stop all the family coming together during this sacred time. Children tend to be far more resilient than we give them credit for. They are often full of acceptance and (with the right support) can manage all of life’s events. I believe your mother-in-law deeply knows how loved, loving and cherished she is. Now it is time to throw your fears away, turn towards your tears, your sad hearts and allow yourselves to melt with grace together in honour of this truly wonderful being you are privileged to call your mother-in-law.

“If you feel you are drowning in fears, you may find chatting to someone neutral outside the family helpful.”CL