Dear Miriam,

I don’t think I can take much more of my husband and certain members of his immediate family. One family member in particular has made it their mission to cause trouble, interfere in our relationship and openly puts me down to anyone who will listen. This individual is a toxic, and I have stayed quiet up to recently, when they started bad-mouthing me and my family to my husband’s face. My husband chose to tell me, and I saw red and confronted them.

I usually avoid them at all costs, but I’m always watching my back, waiting for the next strike, and feel my husband doesn’t properly support me.

We have a young family and I have made it clear we will have nothing to do with this person or their family. My husband said he understands, but still is in contact with this horrible individual.I just feel I’ve had enough. I’ve lost sight of myself. I don’t feel I love my husband anymore as this has happened so often and it’s always me making compromises. We’re just going through the motions of life, but not actually living. My husband prioritises his personal pursuits and I’m exhausted of feeling like this. I just don’t know where to go from here.

Exhausted

Dear Exhausted,

Thank you for your letter. I have spoken with Claire Forde, a psychotherapist and counsellor in private practice in Co Clare and in Limerick with MyMind.org,which provides fast, affordable access to counselling face-to-face and online. Claire Forde can be contacted at MyMind Limerick or on 087 939 9818.

Claire says:

I would like to say how sorry I am to read about the unhappy situation you find yourself in. But in writing this letter, you have taken the first step towards change.

Your first priority is self-care. It seems you are existing, as opposed to living. This cannot go on. Having to “watch your back” eventually leads to anxiety, and affects your overall health and wellbeing. There are four aspects to our psyche: mental, spiritual, emotional and physical. When any of these are out of balance, the other aspects suffer.

I urge you to put yourself first and make a decision to stop compromising. Compromise is OK when there is give and take from both partners. This does not seem to be the case. It may do you good to get support as you ponder your future. A MyMind counsellor is usually available within 72 hours of contacting their office. This is one step towards self-care. Others include exercise, being out in nature, hobbies and meeting friends for a coffee, chat and a giggle. When did you last have a good laugh?

Practising daily mindfulness also helps manage stress. Other ways include guided meditations from YouTube, and slow, deep breathing a few times a day is also beneficial.

With regards the “toxic person”, they could also be referred to as an “energy vampire”: literally sucking the energy out of us. It is important to avoid this person and the others you mention at all costs. You do not need them anywhere near you or your children.

If your husband is too weak to stand up for you, and if he constantly puts his priorities first, perhaps it is time to ask yourself if you are prepared to continue living like this. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Do you think he can change? How long more before your health – and perhaps your children’s – begins to deteriorate?

MyMind also offer couples counselling. It may be worth sitting your husband down and laying your cards on the table. He needs to take his head out of the sand and learn his marriage is in danger of collapse.

There are plenty of supports, including Aware (1800-80-48-48 or www.aware.ie) and the Samaritans (116 123 and www.samaritans.org). Citizens Advice (www.citizensinformation.ie) will help with information regarding legal matters. MABS (076 107 2000 or www.mabs.ie) offers professional support with financial difficulties. Know you are never alone.

I wish you the best as you find the courage to make the necessary changes to start living rather than existing. When we allow others upset us, we are handing them our personal power. It is time to reclaim your power and embrace a healthy, happy lifestyle. You owe it to yourself. CL