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A Reader Writes
Hi Miriam,
Regarding the young girl and her boyfriend not social distancing, she should give him an ultimatum. I live on a farm and my husband does all the shopping (as he’s a farmer and can go to town, but also because he’s a control freak). I’m feeling quite low these days as he shouts at me and nearly jumps up and down when I tell him to wash his hands. He hasn’t had a bath in three to four weeks. Social distancing suits him. I live there, clean the house, do some farm work – that’s all.
She must look at this lad’s carry on and make up her mind if she’s trapped.
Desperate Farmwife, Leinster
Dear Desperate Farmwife,
Thank you for getting in touch. While “lockdown” is challenging for so many people, it is exceptionally tough when living with a difficult person. In these circumstances, it is no wonder that you are feeling “quite low” these days. If there were issues in the relationship before now, everything must feel so intense in this climate.
It is not right that a partner should shout at you or that you should have to live with poor hygiene, especially these days. To me, that in itself is so selfish, and shows such a basic lack of respect. I would worry too about one of the phrases that you use i.e. that your husband is a “control freak” and I wonder how this affects day-to-day life, beyond the weekly shop.
I don’t know if your husband is a man who can–or who wants to– change his ways. So, what can we do? Would you consider seeking support in confidence to talk about how you are feeling? For example, would you be in the position to call a support line like Women’s Aid on 1800-341-900 when your husband is out of the house? While we often associate such supports with physical abuse in the home, this organisation is also there to support women who face emotional abuse, such as being shouted at, not having access/input to things like the weekly shop etc. The circumstances that you describe are more common than you realise and the staff there can provide you with information and support.
Now that phases of the lockdown are starting to ease, are there ways that you can get out of the house on a more regular basis? For example, can you get out for a walk, or meet a friend in their garden for a socially distanced cup of tea? I know these are small things, but if it feels like living in a pressure cooker at home, it’s important to try to get out and do little things that give you a lift.
Ultimately, there are questions you may need to ask yourself about whether you see a future in this marriage. I realise that is a big step, but it’s important to know that you do have rights, given your contribution to the farm and family over the years. You would need to discuss this in confidence with a solicitor. But, I believe that we all deserve to feel respected and at ease in our own homes, and if we start by taking small steps to take care of ourselves, it can ultimately lead us to a new and happier place. I wish you the best of luck.
He should put a ring on it, as the song goes
Dear Miriam,
I’ve read your letter from “Home Bird” and a few things stand out. If this boyfriend makes plans, then he should start with a proposal – “put a ring on it” as the song goes. Make this woman feel special and wanted as his wife. Everything else will fall into place. The land isn’t going anywhere.
“Home Bird”, dig your heels in and make a stand now. On most farms, it’s the salary of the spouse that keeps the ship afloat, so go in as an equal partner “with a ring on it”. You’re the one making all the sacrifices here.
Best of luck,
John (father of daughters)
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