Dear Miriam,

I’m a dairy farmer, married with three kids. I always thought myself lucky to have a job I enjoy, as well as a loving family. While this is all still the case, lately I feel a little bit under pressure and it’s starting to bother me.

The children aren’t small-small any more, the eldest is 10. When they were very young and things were hectic, my wife stopped working for a few years to stay at home and mind them.

I was happy to see her getting back out meeting people

This was always only a temporary thing and I was supportive of her going back to work. I was happy to see her getting back out meeting people, as I know she felt she’d lost herself a little after the children were born. I mucked in a bit more then with school runs and all the rest.

However, now I feel like things have gone a bit too far the other way, that I’m doing the lion’s share of the work with the children, especially since the start of this year. In late December my wife announced that her new year’s resolution was to do a triathlon.

Initially, I didn’t pass too much heed, because I didn’t know how much work was involved in training for a triathlon.

I feel like the kids and I hardly ever see her anymore, and when we do, it’s only fleeting

Since the start of January she has been training two mornings a week with a swimming club, cycling at the weekends with another group and then running in the evenings.

I feel like the kids and I hardly ever see her anymore, and when we do, it’s only fleeting. The mornings when she’s not there are becoming particularly tough, I’m trying to milk cows and get the children off to school.

I tried to broach the subject with my wife, but she brushed it off, saying it’s only temporary until she has the triathlon done

My eldest daughter is actually great, she would get breakfasts and have everyone dressed, but I don’t think it’s fair for her to take on too much responsibility. She’s only a child herself after all.

I tried to broach the subject with my wife, but she brushed it off, saying it’s only temporary until she has the triathlon done. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or be demanding, because she has already made sacrifices, but I don’t know if I can cope, especially now in the busy time of year. Plus, I also miss spending time with her myself.

Should I ask her to give it up?

Dairy Dad

Dear Dairy Dad,

Thanks very much for your email. It seems like a very busy house indeed, balancing work with raising children can be very challenging at times.

I think without having to ask your wife to give up her triathlon training, you can come to an arrangement to suit you both. I know you have already tried to speak to her, but I think you should sit down with her again and really try to impress upon her how you feel.

Could she perhaps do the swimming training in the evening and keep the mornings free?

Tell her you are supportive of her new hobby, but are struggling to cope and that maybe a compromise needs to be reached.

Could she perhaps do the swimming training in the evening and keep the mornings free? Even if it does mean doing it on her own, at least it is a compromise. Say that you are not asking her to give up her training, but that things could be reworked or cut down slightly to suit you both.

I know you don’t want to come across as demanding, so I think this approach will avoid that. Make sure to tell her that you miss spending time with her too.

When discussing the situation with your wife, tell her you are not in favour of this

I think you are right about your eldest getting her siblings ready in the morning on her own. While it is great to give children responsibility and it is no harm for her to help, at a young age they do need to be supervised. When discussing the situation with your wife, tell her you are not in favour of this.

Also, it might be helpful to say that in future, the early part of the year – I’m presuming you are calving – is not the best time for new projects and perhaps if possible, starting them later in the year might alleviate some of the pressure.

I hope this helps and that you both are able to come to an arrangement. I’m sure you will be there to support her when she does her triathlon and that she will support you on the farm.

Wishing you all the best,

Miriam