Dear Miriam,

I have been married for 40 years and I am 66 years old. I resent the fact that our sex life is nearly gone. I am a farmer and am very fit for my age. My wife is five stone overweight and a TV addict. She does not do any exercise.

Ladies, you don’t realise you can have the house shining and lovely dinners but if there is no sex, men just turn the cold shoulder.

Joe

Dear Joe,

Thank you for your letter. As you know, we have covered this issue recently from the female perspective but, of course, we always welcome insight from our male readers, especially in relation to these challenges. I’m sure this is very difficult for you – and for your wife – and probably just as hard to even talk about it.

It is not clear from your letter how long this has been a particular issue. Of course, every situation is different but speaking with relationship therapists through the years, the common thread that emerges is that while many couples enjoy a healthy sexual relationship in the beginning, as the years pass, life simply gets in the way. And with all the pressures from farming and finance to family, there can be little room for romance, fun, quality time together etc.

This then becomes an issue when it comes to sex because, generally speaking, men and women are “wired” differently. So while a man might not need to feel cherished and cared for in order to move things to the bedroom, most women need a longer arousal, for want of a better phrase.

I’m not talking 50 Shades of Grey stuff here, by the way; intimacy starts outside the bedroom.

And often with little things that are not even remotely related to sex, eg showing somebody you care by making them a cup of tea when they are tired, going for a walk together, making time to just talk, have a laugh etc.

Again, I don’t know the specifics of your relationship and maybe all these factors are already in place. But I do note that you mention your wife’s weight and the fact that she seems to watch too much TV. While it might be very easy to write this off as “laziness” etc, I do feel there is something more going on here in terms of her own health and how she feels in herself and in the relationship at the moment.

That’s why I wonder if – rather than focus on the sexual side of things for now – it might be better to look at how to love and support her in other ways in order to get the relationship back on track? Because while you might feel lonely and rejected right now, I suspect she does too.

There is no blame game here. It takes two people to make a relationship work.

I believe you can try to reach out to her and let her know this is not just about sex but about companionship, affection, fun, and, most of all, love.

Of course, it is not always easy to find the words and that’s why a relationship/sexual therapist could help. You could contact an organisation like ACCORD (www.accord.ie or call 01-505-3112 for details of your closest centre) or look up the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy on www.iacp.ie.

I understand, of course, it might be daunting to ask for help, but there is nothing for either of you to be embarrassed about.

So many couples face the same challenges and asking for support is such a positive step in the right direction.

Of course, I can’t tell you how it will all work out but I do think if you can approach this from a place of love and kindness – for yourself and for your wife – you will be surprised at what you might find. I wish you both the best of luck. CL