Dear Miriam,

It probably seems a bit early to mention the “C” word – as in Christmas – but I would appreciate your advice.

Last year, my marriage ended after I discovered that my husband had been unfaithful to me. We had only been married a few years and did not have any children together, as he wanted to “wait a while” before starting a family.

How ironic, then, that he is now expecting a baby with the woman he had the affair with. I’m still hurting from the heartbreak, and this news has been another blow. But that’s a story for a different day.

You are probably wondering what all this has to do with Christmas? Even when I got married, I always went home to my family house, as my father passed away a few years ago and my mother lives alone.

My brother, who now runs the family farm, also comes up to the main house with his wife and children, and my sister comes down from Dublin with her brood, so it is a full house and there is a lot to do.

I always used to look forward to Christmas, as it is the one time of the year we are all together under the one roof. But last year, I just found the whole thing an ordeal from start to finish.

This was not my family’s fault: they are kind and supportive. But just seeing everybody happy with their own partners and children really highlighted what I have lost and I found it so hard to keep the brave face on. I was probably the only person who couldn’t wait for January to come around, for the whole thing to be over and done with.

This year, however, a friend has invited me to go to Lanzarote, and I am really tempted. I know that with my ex-husband about to become a father, everybody in town will be watching me, whether it is at Christmas mass or at the pub, and I can’t stand the thought of people pitying me. I just think it would do me good to just lie in the sun with a book, far from all the drama and the gossip.

The only thing stopping me booking the flight is I know my mother will be disappointed that I won’t be home for Christmas. I don’t want to let her down, but I know that the best thing for me is to go away.

What do you think I should do?

Newly Separated, Munster

Dear Newly Separated,

Thank you for your letter. What really stands out to me is that, despite all you have been through, your main concern is for your mother’s feelings and your own family. That shows what a kind, loving soul you are; but sometimes we need to show that same compassion to ourselves.

My gut feeling is that if you think the best thing for you to do is to go away this Christmas – especially in light of the recent news – then you should go for it. That does not mean that you are running away from the situation: simply that you are practising self-care at a crucial point.

There will be many more happy times that you will spend with your family, God willing, but maybe right now you just need to do this for yourself?

Maybe you could explain the situation to your brother and sister before saying it to your mother and they might be able to help more with the preparations this year so that she is not under pressure.

I would just tell her honestly how you feel and that you hope she understands. You could always arrange to do something special together as a family before you go on holidays – like going out for dinner – or, afterwards, when you get back.

Looking beyond Christmas, I wonder if it might be helpful to speak with a counsellor to help process what you have been through.

Getting support is also a very compassionate thing to do for yourself and by next Christmas, hopefully you will be in a position where you can celebrate with your family again, happy and full of hope and plans for your own future.

I wish you the very best of luck. CL