Dear Miriam,

We would be grateful for some advice. Our 22-year-old son told us he is gay. We have so many questions and we don’t know who to ask. The big one is “why?”

Our other children see no problem with it. They are great about it. All I see is how hard life is going to be for him.

We love our son very much and want to help him, but don’t know how to. Is there any book or place we can go to get advice?

Thank you,

Concerned Parents

Dear Concerned Parents,

Thank you for your letter. The first thing you should know is that you are not the first to feel this way or to ask these questions, and you will not be the last. While every parent will react differently to news of their son/daughter coming out, it is very common to experience shock, sadness, fear for the future and even a sense of loss for the life that you have probably envisioned for your son since he was a little boy.

However, the most important thing to remember is that he is still your son and his sexuality is just one aspect of his whole self. He has not changed in any way from the young man he was before he told you this news. Rather, he is just being true to the person he is and has always been.

As hard as it might be to come to terms with this revelation, I’m sure you can only imagine the struggle your son must have gone through to reach this point. But the fact that he felt comfortable enough to tell you the truth is a very positive sign of the strength of your relationship. With time and help, and the right support, I have no doubt that as a family you will become closer and stronger as a result.

You mention that your other children have no problem with their brother being gay, while you can only see how hard life will be for him. Having grown up in a very different Ireland, your concerns are natural, but I think that the marriage equality referendum result showed that attitudes have changed for the better in recent years and hopefully life will now be a lot easier for people who may have struggled with their sexuality in the past.

But leaving that aside, whether you are gay or straight, there are no guarantees of happiness in this life. All you can really do is try to be honest with yourself and with those around you and hope for the best. By coming out, your son is doing just that.

I think it would really benefit you if you spoke to some other parents who have been in your situation and know exactly what it is like.

LOOK (Loving Our Out Kids) is an Irish support group for parents of gay, bisexual and transgender children and they can be contacted on 087-253-7699, while their website www.lovingouroutkids.org also has useful information, including a list of suggested reading material.

Another organisation that works with parents is Belong To. If you log on to their website at www.belongto.org you will find answers to frequently asked questions that might address some of the concerns you might share, or you can call 01-670-6223 to speak to somebody who will be more than happy to advise you or point you in the right direction to support groups in your locality.

It will take time to come to terms with this news and that is understandable. Everybody in the family – your son included – is still finding their way and nobody has all the answers. At the end of the day, however, the most important thing to remember is that you love him and he loves you. And that’s all that really matters. I wish you all the very best in the future.