Dear Miriam,

I enjoy reading your column in Irish Country Living every week. But there is something that seems to be rarely mentioned. That is the way that men get abused within a marriage. I am one of those men.

I have been physically and mentally abused by my wife and children. When I would go to the fridge for food, it would be hidden somewhere else. The radiator in my bedroom would be turned off no matter how many times I would turn it on. I was accused of having affairs and my wife and children would gossip about me to the neighbours.

I had to get the guards out one night as my son assaulted me. My wife brought me to court several times accusing me of things I never did. Miriam, the list goes on and on.

After all that, my wife brought me back to court and separated from me. I was ordered out of my home that I provided for my wife and family.

So Miriam, I think it’s a long time overdue that there was a little consideration for the men of this country and to highlight the abuse that is being put on them by some women. I thank God every day for my health, to be able to do my work and to enjoy the good things in life.

I hope that you will print my letter in Irish Country Living.

Thanking you,

Abused Farmer

Dear Abused Farmer,

Thank you very much for your letter and for your kind comments regarding the column. I think that you are correct when you say that domestic abuse against men is rarely spoken about, though I have always printed every letter I’ve received on the matter and will continue to do so as I think it’s important to highlight the issue.

However, I imagine that many more men are suffering behind closed doors, but will never speak out or even write an anonymous letter, perhaps because they feel that they will not be believed or that there is some stigma in being a “victim” of domestic abuse as a man. That has to change. Physical, psychological and emotional domestic abuse is unacceptable, no matter whether the perpetrator is male or female.

The kind of abuse that you describe – the mind games, the lies, the gossiping, as well as the physical abuse at the hands of your own son – must have made life very difficult for you and left you feeling extremely isolated and with nobody to turn to. Perhaps you were not aware at the time, but there is actually a group called AMEN that provides support to male victims of domestic abuse, including a confidential helpline, counselling, group support meetings, legal advice and court accompaniment. Even though you are not currently living in the midst of the abuse, I think it would still be beneficial for you to get in touch with AMEN so that you could talk about your experience with people who understand exactly the trauma you have been through and get some professional support in dealing with the impact of that abuse on your self-esteem. You can contact AMEN on 046-9023-718 or visit www.amen.ie for further information.

In one sense, you have come out the other side, though unfortunately it seems to have been on your wife’s terms rather than your own with respect to the family home etc.

All that said, I’m sure that you would not swap your new life for the old for anything. As you say, you have your health, you can go about your daily work as you please and you can enjoy the little pleasures that make life worth living, rather than dreading the next cutting remark or cruel bullying tactic. Your experience shows that it is possible to live a peaceful life after walking away from an abusive relationship, and that will hopefully inspire other people in similar situations to assess what really matters to them and what they want in life.

I wish you the very best of luck in the future and the happiness you deserve.