Hello Miriam,

I am a mum to several young children and long-term partner to their dad, who are all my world. My partner runs a tiny farm (which cannot support even one of us), while farming for his ailing father, who owns a huge farm. My partner is hoping all his work for no money will earn him the family farm. But it’s taking its toll.

Since I met him, I was always on the “outside”. But the current issue is that my father-in-law makes very sick jokes and comments to my sons. I have also witnessed him humiliate his wife, and he controls everyone (his wife and adult children) and has them fighting his corner.

He doesn’t say the worst things in front of them, just me when we might be alone. Recently he has been teaching my boys very rude, disgusting things. Myself and my partner witnessed it and I got very mad about it. But he downright denied it when my partner confronted him, and his wife and adult children all backed him up. I was heartbroken, because my partner didn’t know what to do and it was our lowest-ever point in our relationship. It has also left me terrified of leaving the kids alone with their grandparents.

My partner is terrified of losing out on inheriting the farm and wants to finally be able to support us as a family and wants me to just accept this man teaching and treating our children as second-class grandchildren. I’m close to despair.

Worried Mother

Dear Worried Mother,

Thank you for your letter. I have spoken with Claire Forde, a psychotherapist and counsellor in private practice in Co Clare and in Limerick with MyMind,which provides fast and affordable access to counselling face-to-face and online.

Claire says:

I am sorry to read about your difficulties and hope my reply will help in moving forward with your life.

I would like to mention the situation regarding your children first. It is just not OK for their grandfather to behave so inappropriately and equally not good enough that his wife and adult children choose to “pretend it’s not happening”. You are right to be concerned and need to make sure they are never left alone with this man. You also need to discuss this with your partner and set boundaries regarding contact between his parents and your children.

With regard to the “huge farm” he hopes to inherit, from what you have written, it seems to be simply that: “hope”. There’s no mention of it being willed to him after his parents pass. Even if a will were made, it can still be changed at the last minute. You need to have a frank discussion around this, and perhaps look at other ways to secure your future income while having a better quality of life together. He is denying you and your children quality family time by being a “slave” to his family.

What would it be like for him to concentrate on his own smaller holding? If he is not getting paid for his labour, surely he has nothing to lose except the dream of inheriting it? How long can you, as a family, put your own lives on hold, clinging to a dream? It is not OK for your partner to expect you to “shut up and put up” for the sake of a possible inheritance.

Finally, it is important to have a good support structure in place and practice self-care. It may help to talk to somebody in confidence. Couples counselling may also help. MyMind has centres in Dublin, Cork and Limerick as well as offering online counselling; visit https://mymind.org/ or call 076 680 1060.

I would encourage you to focus on solutions rather than mulling over the problems. Your partner sounds kind and caring, but very much under his parents’ thumb. He needs to look at the situation objectively and decide where his priorities lie. Is the dream of inheriting this “huge farm” worth the sacrifice? If his priorities continue as they are, ask yourself if you are prepared to put up with all this? With a counsellor’s support, you will find a safe space to make healthy choices for you and your family. CL

Claire Forde can be contacted at MyMind

Limerick or on 087-939 9818.