You’re nothing these days if you haven’t an allergic reaction to something. Declaring you’re lactose intolerant is guaranteed to grant you celebrity status – you’ll be up there with the Kardashians. Everything from goat’s milk to beetroot causes people to break out in a myriad of rashes and make them sneeze like a hyena. I don’t want to make light of the serious discomfort many people suffer, but I’m inclined to believe that certain individuals like to carry allergies around like fashion items.

The Mother claims I have allergic reactions to a variety of things: like going to bed before midnight, getting up before 10 and doing a day’s work. She also thinks I have a physical reaction leaving the pub before anyone else.