I was finding it hard to sleep. I opened my eyes. The room was filled with light from the full moon. Shadow, our faithful Pyrenean mountain dog was barking at the other side of the house. I hoped she wasn’t keeping my two nieces, Aoife and Áine, awake. Probably not! Young people can sleep through thunder. Why was I awake?

It was an emotional few days. Diarmuid had turned 30. Where do the years go? I found the tears flowing unchecked down my face onto the pillow. I’d been cranky the last few days and probably difficult to live with and I didn’t really know why. Now in the middle of the night with a beautiful moon, it was all clear. I’d been reliving the birth of my eldest son and the trauma around that time. It was hell on earth finding out that he was so sick and has Down’s syndrome. I didn’t know why I felt so bad and could not put into words what I was feeling.

How do you say I’m profoundly sad because my memory is playing tricks on me and invading my current life? They’d look at me and think she’s losing the plot! Back then, ignorance had filled me with fear for the future. How would I cope? I was acutely aware of everyone’s pain around me. I was also feeling desperately guilty that I was the one who caused this. What should have been a happy event in our lives had turned into a tragedy. At least that’s how everyone else viewed what had happened.

Of course, we struggled to cope. We’re only human and had the same hopes and dreams as anyone else when a new baby is born into the family. Diarmuid was the first male grandchild on both sides of the family.

Now I look up and see the moon’s reflection on the lamp shade. The shadow has formed the perfect hot air balloon on the ceiling above me. I smile to myself. That’s what Diarmuid put us on; a balloon ride!

At first there was tremendous fear filled with a balloon full of love to sustain us. Gradually we found our way with a very sick but determined little boy. As a young adult and now a fine young man, he’s happy in his own skin and is looking forward to his party tomorrow night.

Diarmuid’s friends and his family will celebrate with him. Colm and Elaine are taking him shopping for clothes for his party. Shopping with your mother is not that cool!

He will be happy to take the advice of Colm and especially Elaine. Philip and Aileen are on disco and microphone duty! Diarmuid’s peers love to take the microphone and make speeches. Aileen will control that. Julie is on people-management duty. Her diplomacy will reduce the drama and keep them all happy. As anyone who interacts with David knows, the west Cork man will help his brother-in-law to celebrate.

Cartoon by Clyde Delaney.

Speech time

Diarmuid has been working on his speech. I’ve heard him practicing in his bedroom. On paper it looks a bit all over the place. I will fix that with him in the morning. We will laminate it and he will deliver it with confidence. Diarmuid believes in himself. Others would hate to make a speech on the occasion of a 30th birthday but it will be a highlight for Diarmuid.

I’ve a cake ordered. I feel a bit guilty about that as it’s the first birthday cake that I haven’t made for Diarmuid. I just didn’t feel like being up to my elbows in cream and sprinkles, preferring to enjoy the day ahead.

Equilibrium returns

The moon has moved on. My hot air balloon is gone and I am firmly back on the ground. But I’ve no doubt that I’ve a few more rides to take with my eldest son! If you are at the beginning of your journey with your little baby, take heart and take time to love and enjoy the balloon ride. For the most part, you will have breathtaking views. Occasionally a few clouds will impede your view but not for long. I’m back on track for tomorrow. My tears will probably be close again but they will be tears of pride and joy.