I read your piece last week on the couple who are getting married and looking to go into partnership with her father. I only wish that the relationship with my father allowed us to do that.

My dad is 69 years of age and has 30 acres. For the past 16 years, since I got married, he has expected my husband to do everything on the farm – even build walls and crushes, as well as feed and bed the cattle every day. To cut a long story short, my husband is on call whenever he wants something built or fixed.

We got a loan and bought 10 cows ourselves, than put them on the farm as an investment. This was fine with my dad – or so we thought. Now he has asked for €3,000 per year to keep them on HIS farm.

This has completely upset us, as we thought that doing everything for him for nothing would have paid their keep.

Should we sell them and break all ties and tell him that if he wants work done he has to pay? He’s not able to work it on his own, but won’t let anyone else have a go at it either.

Please help.

I read your letter with real sympathy. I can understand why, after all the work you’ve done, you were so upset with being presented with a bill for the stock for the year. I have come across a number of situations like this, and they are all in family situations.

In the majority of families, the older generation loves to see the younger generation taking an interest. While there might not be money to pay them for the work they have done, they would happily let their children rear stock.

When you talk to someone removed from the situation, many of them believe that logic has to come into it sometime. It is easy for them to think that your father will see sense if you give him time. He will see what your husband has put into the farm and be much more reasonable.

Being an optimist, I used to think that way as well. However, in some cases I have witnessed, the parents do not always look at it that way. They do not see logic. They appear to want to go out of their way to upset their children, knowing they will put up with a lot due to the responsibility that they believe the children will feel. I’m sure a psychoanalyst would have a field day on some of the cases.

I’m sure you have talked to your father about all of this. I’m sure you have argued about the situation. You have tried to be reasonable and anything else you could think of. I do not know the full ins and outs of your situation and your relationship with your father. However, it is similar to another case I am familiar with. In this case, there was no reason for the family not to encourage their son back to farm. It was not about money, as they were financially well cared for.

Bringing their son back to farm would ensure the future of the farm, but that did not seem to concern them. They went out of their way to make it difficult. Just like your father did to you when he presented you with a bill. It was done to provoke you.

You ask whether you should sell the cows. If you have not done it already, I would say bring in a professional mediator to sit down and see if you can get a solution. However, I would set a timeline for selling the cows and no longer being on call if the problem is not resolved. This should also happen if your father refuses to engage with a mediator.

I don’t want to be flippant and say it is only 30 acres, but it is only money. Too many people will put up with too much in the hope that they will inherit the land. If you want to own a farm, you could buy some land if you could afford it in the future.

I hope this has helped. Maybe your father will read this and see logic, although it could entrench his stance further. I would be interested in hearing from other families in the same situation, because I think it is still more common than we actually believe it is in modern Ireland.