Dear Miriam,

I have a friend who is a very generous, kind, and hard-working man. A couple of years ago, he met a woman. He was only dating her for a few weeks when she moved in, which came as a big shock.

She wanted to be with my friend all the time. She never wanted to let him out of her sight. With time, it came to light that this woman was domestically abusing my friend. He came to see me feeling very distressed and showed me how she had pinched, bitten and kicked him. I took photos as evidence. I persuaded him to go to see his doctor, but unfortunately he got no counselling and gave this woman a second chance, and they later got married. Things just went from bad to worse.

They have tried to call to the house to speak to him while this woman is at work, but he refuses to answer the door

This woman is able to control and manipulate my friend. He has spoken to a few friends and said that she has a terrible temper and that she won’t allow him to speak to his own family, even on the phone. This has caused them a lot of distress. They have tried to call to the house to speak to him while this woman is at work, but he refuses to answer the door, even though his car is outside and they can hear his phone ringing. He is like a prisoner in his own home, even when she is not there.

I know that his family have spoken to the gardaí before

I have followed a similar storyline on Coronation Street between Geoff and Yasmeen that showed physical and verbal abuse. They call it coercive control. It is hard to watch, but unfortunately, this is real life. I know that his family have spoken to the gardaí before, but because he is a mature adult, they won’t intervene unless he chooses to report her himself.

Worried Friend

Dear Worried Friend,

Thank you for your letter. I am sure that it must be very difficult to see your friend in this situation. He seems to be particularly isolated at the moment from the people who love and care for him, which makes it even more challenging.

I have spoken to Men’s Aid Ireland (www.mensaid.ie), who confirm that the situation that you describe is not uncommon. They provide many supports including legal advice and counselling, through a combination of outreach clinics, phone support and face-to-face (dependent on COVID-19 restrictions), all in complete confidence. But underpinning all of that is the fact that men are believed. And that is so important.

Basically, to let him know that no matter what is going on, that there are people who love him, who will always be there to support him

I know that you have tried to support your friend in various ways eg encouraging him to go to the doctor, while his family have spoken to the guards. But at the moment, it seems that it is difficult to even communicate with him, perhaps out of fear. Intervention is challenging unless he chooses to report the abuse, so I think all you can do is let him know that you care for him, and that you are always here for him, with no pressure on him to do anything that he is not ready for. Basically, to let him know that no matter what is going on, that there are people who love him, who will always be there to support him, and that the door is always open to him. Obviously, this has to be communicated safely (eg if his wife checks his phone for calls, messages etc) but there might be a safe opportunity to do this if she is away.

The Men’s Aid helpline can be contacted on 01-554-3811 or by emailing hello@mensaid.ie They also offer support to the family and friends of a person experiencing abuse, so it might be worth contacting them in your own right, as it is obviously very distressing for you too.

Thank you for taking the time to get in touch. The more awareness we raise, the more hope we have that people in these situations will seek help. I truly wish you and your friend the very best.

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