Dear Miriam,

This might seem like a fairly small problem in the grand scheme of things, but I would appreciate your help. I recently got engaged to my long-term boyfriend and we are looking forward to planning the wedding for late summer in 2018.

I have a particular venue in mind, which is very close to my heart as it is where my own parents had their wedding (my dad passed away a few years ago). However, my very good friend works for the rival hotel in the area as their marketing and events manager.

Since we told everybody about the engagement, she has been saying things like, “I’ll be sure to look after ye now” and things like that.

I really don’t want to have my wedding at her hotel as it’s not my style and I have been to a lot of weddings there recently etc, but I am afraid that she will take it personally or that it will cause a bit of awkwardness between us if I don’t even go along to look at it and at least consider what she has to offer.

I know that she probably would look after us very well and financially it might be better, but it’s not what I want in my heart at the end of the day. You only get one shot at your wedding, after all. But maybe I’m being too precious and it might be easier to just put that aside and do what is best for our friendship. What do you think I should do?

Newly engaged, Leinster

Dear Newly engaged,

Thank you for your letter. I’m sure that your friend means well and that she genuinely would do her best to look after you and your future husband on your wedding day. She probably is not even aware that her offer is putting you under this pressure. But I think that you should be able to get around this pretty easily with both your friendship and wedding aspirations intact.

The fact that your parents got married in the other hotel gives you a particular emotional connection to that venue and it is absolutely understandable that you might want to continue a family tradition, without even getting into the nitty gritty of why the other place is not your style etc.

If this girl is a very good friend, I’m sure you would also like her to be able to relax and enjoy the wedding day rather than feeling “on call” as well, so that might be another factor to keep in mind.

What I would do next time the topic comes up (if it is suitable timing, eg if you are alone, rather than in a group) is to tell your friend that you really appreciate her offer and you know she would look after you so well, but that you have had your heart set on the other venue since you were a little girl due to the family connection and that you hope she will understand why you will be going there. To be honest, I would not even go down the line of making an appointment to view the venue or look at the wedding brochure as this will just prolong the situation and would be a waste of your time and her’s when you know what you really want.

If she is a good pal, I’m sure she will understand and appreciate the difference between business and friendship. If not, then maybe that is telling in itself – but I can’t imagine it will come to that. I think that right now, overthinking the situation is making it seem a lot more daunting than it really is.

I wish you and your future husband the very best of luck in your wedding plans for 2018 and every happiness. CL