Dear Miriam,

As a lifelong reader of the Irish Farmers Journal, I read your column first every week and always find it very informative regarding different problems from all age groups.

I’ve been married since 1974 and as I was head-over-heels in love, I got married at 21, which was normal in those days. Myself and my husband had a great courtship – the happiest time ever – love’s young dream. The first few years of marriage were wonderful, happy years. Having five children in five years was heaven on earth. My husband always remembered anniversaries and birthdays with a simple little gift, but after 10 years that all stopped and life just became an everyday chore.

I know he had to work hard to support us, which we were all grateful for, but life circled around all the work. We all helped out, of course; but it was very difficult to know if it pleased him or not as we don’t discuss so-called problems in our house – no time for that nonsense!

At this stage, there’s just the two of us, so there’s no need for all that work, as we could get by doing less, but that’s not going to work here. Thinking of going out is absolute nonsense as: “Aren’t we happy at home?” I get out on occasions myself.

What brought me round to writing to you was a letter in your column where a married lady received a beautiful gift from a male friend and her husband got very annoyed and she was caught in the middle and had to give back the gift to keep her marriage and, of course, the peace.

Well, Miriam, I would love to be in her shoes – just to get any little token of appreciation, even just a thank you would make my life worth living. I have complete respect for my husband and say thank you and make a little gesture on occasions with little gifts for him, but he doesn’t show any emotion – neither happy nor sad – so it’s difficult to know how he feels.

What more can I do to make our lives more interesting and less work?

In difficulty,

Loyal Reader

Dear Loyal Reader,

Thank you for getting in touch. Even though you are writing about a difficult problem, I feel such warmth from your letter. You are obviously a very loving person, who has given your all for your family. Five children in five years is no walk in the park, and while you credit your husband for working so hard, please take a bow for everything you have done in your own right.

It is no secret that when life and work are so hectic, many couples can lose each other as they prioritise other things, like the children’s needs, financial pressures and farming. The irony, however, is that the relationship is the most important thing to maintain, in order to keep all those other balls in the air. You and your husband obviously enjoyed a great connection when you met, so I’m not sure what changed 10 years in. It seems as much a mystery to you too, given his unwillingness to discuss any issues frankly. But the things you long for – kindness, communication, romance – are the very things that elevate all our lives from being an “everyday chore”. Of course, nobody needs a trip to Paris or expensive jewellery to feel loved. But it is not a lot to ask to feel cherished in your own home by the person you share your life with.

You are right that this is a time to slow down and find each other again. Of course, change is challenging, and if your husband’s identity is built around working hard, it can be daunting to step back from all of that. But no matter how averse he is to discussing problems, he needs to understand how you really feel and how much you yearn to regain the connection you once had. To help, I would recommend seeing a relationship counsellor through an association like ACCORD. You can find out more by visiting www.accord.ie or call the central office on (01) 505 3112.

But even if your husband is unwilling to attend, it would be a good idea to see somebody in your own right to work on your own sense of self-worth. While we all crave validation from our loved ones, we have to also realise our own value. Self-care is also vital. You mention you get out occasionally, and I would recommend that you continue to do things that bring you joy.

I wish you the best of luck. CL