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Dear Miriam,
A few years ago, I felt let down by my cousin after my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It was a very tough time, but she really was not there for me. I know that I had to withdraw from a lot of things around that time, and that I would not have been the most fun person to be around.
We never had cross words; it was just a general sense of drifting apart
But it would have been nice if she had called around for a cup of tea and a chat or if she had offered maybe to sit with Mom so that I could have a break. I feel that’s what I would have done anyway in that situation, as we had been very close. When mom passed, she came to the funeral and of course was upset, but to me it was too little, too late.
We never had cross words; it was just a general sense of drifting apart. It hurt at the time, but as the years went on, I found it didn’t bother me as much. But we never recovered that closeness again; for example, if we meet at a family wedding, we’ll make friendly “small talk” but that’s it.
I’ve put off responding, but I feel I have to write something soon
However, I recently received a letter from her saying that she had been thinking over things during lockdown and that she regrets that we grew apart, and would like us to re-connect. She didn’t mention what happened with Mom though. From her perspective, “life just got in the way”. It doesn’t seem to have hit home why.
I’ve put off responding, but I feel I have to write something soon. I appreciate that she took the initiative to write and I don’t like to carry a grudge, but it annoys me that she does not seem to have any awareness of what really happened. A lot of years have passed by, and I’m not sure what she would expect if we re-connected; to be best pals again? Like I said, I’ve learned to live without her at this stage.
What would you do Miriam?
Confused Cousin
Dear Confused Cousin,
Thanks for your email. I think that as we move through life, we will have friends who are there through thick and thin; and those that come and go. It doesn’t mean that they are not “good” people or anything like that. I think it’s easier to just accept that some friends will play a role in your life at a certain stage, but then things change for whatever reason.
Of course, it hurts when you feel let down and it’s a shame that your cousin did not have the capacity to support you when your mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It’s also disappointing that she does not seem to have the self-awareness to see that, even now.
You could acknowledge that it hurt, but also that she might have had other things going on in her life that you didn’t know about
But she did extend an olive branch of sorts and if you do wish to respond, you could certainly start by acknowledging that it must have been a difficult letter to write. Without going into too much detail, you could explain that you feel that the fracture in the relationship came after your mom’s diagnosis and that you really missed her presence at that time. You could acknowledge that it hurt, but also that she might have had other things going on in her life that you didn’t know about.
It is possible to forgive and to let go; but that does not mean that you have to act as if nothing happened
After that, it’s considering really what you want. Do you yearn deep down to be close friends again? If so, is there a way back, if you were to meet up for a heart-to-heart in time? In that case, the ball is probably in her court in terms of how to proceed. Or are you happy with the “small talk”, but wish her well?
From your letter, I think it might be the latter and that’s ok. It is possible to forgive and to let go; but that does not mean that you have to act as if nothing happened.
Whatever you decide, I would keep the letter civil and respectful, in honour of your mom. At the end of the day, it’s a pity that your friendship suffered; but you have both moved on. And that’s the main thing.
Miriam.
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