Dear Miriam,

My son started secondary this September but is struggling to settle having come from a small country school. His best friend is in a different class and he can be quite shy when it comes to getting to know new people. He is also finding it hard to adapt to the new timetable, homework etc. Should I approach the school to share my concerns or am I overreacting?

Cork Mother

Dear Cork Mother,

We can all underestimate how big the transition to secondary school can be, when you go from being the big fish in primary to the small fish – often in a very big pond.

I think the main thing you can do is to reassure your son that you know it is challenging, but that you are always there to listen and help. One simple thing to start with is to address his problems with the workload by helping him with time-management, such as drawing up a weekly schedule based on his timetable, what homework is due on different days etc, and showing him how to prioritise, as this can be very overwhelming at the start.

Also, look at implementing some structure, such as doing homework before watching TV or getting it out of the way on a Friday evening, so he feels more in control. Regarding the social side if he is shy, most schools have different clubs – from sports to music – so if he joins something based on his own interests then this should naturally open doors. However, he will find that through group work, projects in the class etc, he will be put working with others and that will naturally breed new friendships. If you are really concerned, you could have a quiet word with his year head, who might look at creating such opportunities on the QT.

Other than that, I would just encourage you to keep communication open so that your son knows that you understand how he feels – but it will get better.

A Reader Writes

Dear Miriam,

Having read the many letters sent to you by the many unhappy women around the country, I felt that I had to write to you. I have a similar tale to tell but what’s the point? It’s just more of the same – in my 50s, married for over 25 years, husband obsessed with the farm with no regard for any other view other than his own. Need I go on?

I think that it may be time to ask the question: how big is this problem? Could you do a survey? Maybe ask women in this situation to send you a postcard with the words “unhappy farmer’s wife”. They don’t have to sign it. It might just give an indication of how many women out there are miserable in their marriage.

It may also be time to highlight this problem in the main section of the Irish Farmers Journal. There are many young people who don’t want to have anything to do with the family farm because they could not work with their fathers. Older farmers (and I’m not talking about those in their 80s) need help to be able to talk things out, to accept their children’s viewpoint, to have a more positive approach to life because, God knows, a lot of them are negative and cynical. A lot of these men are deeply unhappy and probably carry a lot of baggage from how they were reared themselves .

Personally, I have tried to be accepting of the strong, silent type, but I now find myself miserable, lonely and unhappy. Looking back, I know it damaged the children and I regret that. I attend counselling and find it most helpful to unburden myself. The advice given is to make a life for yourself by taking up outside interests and meeting new people. This is sound advice but it is so hard to motivate yourself when all you have ever wanted was a happy and positive home life.

Finally, my advice to newly married women would be don’t give up your job or career to stay at home and be a super wife/mum – it will not be appreciated. Although, having said that, I do hope that younger men are more understanding and realise that farming is a business, not a pilgrimage to be endured.

Kind regards,

A West of Ireland Reader