I thought it was a great idea myself. What the young lads call “a genius move”.

The women’s football was on above in Dublin and I was going to go on account of little Ava, my granddaughter, who was playing in the little games they have at half time.

We were all going up for this on the train and I got a brainwave.

“Patrick,” says I, why don’t you come along and then afterwards you can bring us to one of your bars on ‘the scene’ before the train? Maybe the Panti one.

As soon as I said it he gave this look that a Mammy only sees her children give when either the thing she’s suggested is way off the mark or maybe too near the mark. I always assume the second option.

“Mammy, what do you mean ‘my bars’. I don’t have a pub.”

“AH c’mon Patrick, shur you must do. You told me about your big news now three months ago and there hasn’t been a peep out of you since. I’m wondering whether you’re gay at all. There’s no sign of any fella around the place.”

“Well Mam, he’s hardly likely to be around the place is he? Sitting in between you and Denis watching Winning Streak.”

I nagged away at Patrick anyway, even during the match, until he gave in and said he’d bring us to Pantibar. That was the only one I’d heard of over your man with the libel thing on the TV and the Speech.

Deirdre and the family were driving, so it was just me Denis and Patrick who landed up at it after the match and Denis was going on about the Pantibar sign: “They didn’t have planning permission for this at all you know,” Ann.

He was bursting for the toilet and Patrick was gone to get drinks for us so I settled into a seat. I’ll keep an eye out for you Patrick. I can be your wingman while you go cruising.

“Mam, stop it.”

“I’m joking. Would you relax?”

When he was gone, this woman started talking to me

“I’m Teresa she says. You must be new in here. What’s your name?”

“Ann. But I’m just here with my husband and our son.”

“She laughed. No missus. You can relax. I’m just here with my daughter. Shur I saw you there with the husband anyway. Is it your son is …”

“Yes. That’s Patrick.”

“Only recent is it?”

“Yes, how did you know?”

“A lot of the Mammies turn up in here at the start … for a look. And then they’re sort of disappointed it isn’t more gay. I don’t know what they were expecting.”

I didn’t let on that’s what I was thinking too.

“Although Patrick tells me he’s ‘bi’ or ‘fluid’ at the moment. I can’t keep up.”

“Don’t you have to learn all the lingo fairly lively?”

“Stop – a whole new world. By the way, is there any sign of his Nibs Panti?

“No I don’t think she’s around this evening.”

“I suppose she’d be fierce busy with the film and all of that. Or is it he?”

“’Tis she when she’s dressed up and he when she’s not. Or he’s not.”

“It’s confusing.”

“I know, but as long as we make the effort I suppose. My daughter starts going on about ‘cis’ now. Because she’d have a couple of trans friends. ‘Cis’ is what we are.

“Mammies?”

“No, cis is people who’d be identifying the same way they are biologically. So we’re biologically female and we say we’re female and act that way.”

“Janey.”

“I know.”

“I was about to ask more questions but then her daughter and Patrick came back from the bar at the same time.

“Don’t they make a lovely couple?” says she to me

Well I laughed. “You said it ‘cister’” says I.

And then she laughed at that one.

“What are you laughing at?” says Patrick suspiciously as he sat down.

“It’s an in-joke” I said. “Our scene.”