Dear Miriam,

I am a married woman living on a farm with two young children. I am actually from a town up the country but moved here when I married my husband and gave up work after the second baby arrived, as I had no family support as such to help me juggle a job with home life. The last few years have not been without their challenges, but my husband is a good man who loves me, the kids are happy and healthy and I am grateful for all the good things I have in my life.

Anyway, to my issue. Just before Christmas, I received a message on Facebook from an ex-boyfriend who had moved to Australia shortly after we broke up a few years ago. I had not heard much from him since then but he told me he was going to be moving back to Ireland. I didn’t think much of this at the time and just sent him a “Happy Christmas” message to be polite.

However, since then, we have been messaging back and forth. It is just innocent stuff about our lives, but the days here can be long and lonely with my husband busy with calving etc, so I’m happy to have interaction with another adult.

Anyway, he is due to come home next month and mentioned meeting up again. To be honest, I would like this – just as friends, of course – but would be uncomfortable saying so to my husband, as he knows that I did have strong feelings for this other man and was heartbroken when we split up. I have not even mentioned the Facebook contact in case it upsets him.

My question is this: do you think it would be okay to meet up without saying it to my husband in case it hurts his feelings for no good reason? As I mentioned, I just want to meet as friends, nothing more.

I would appreciate your advice.

Farmer’s Wife, Munster

Dear Farmer’s Wife,

Thank you for your letter. My gut reaction is if you feel you need to hide this meeting from your husband – no matter how innocent – then it is not the right thing to do.

Of course, I understand how tempting the prospect is. I think most people would be curious to see how the years had treated their “ex”, but after that, I wonder what is to be gained from such a meeting?

If you allow me, I wonder if this recent contact could be a little bit of escapism from the reality of everyday life? After all, it is not easy to give up your job, circle of friends and family support to move halfway across the country for the person you love. You have made a lot of sacrifices and I wonder if you feel that you have lost a sense of yourself in the process? Those feelings are very understandable. But I’m not sure you will find what you are looking for by meeting this ex; after all, you obviously broke up for a good reason at the time. What benefit is there in him coming back into your life at this point?

What might be better is to look at your life and see what you feel is missing. Is it more quality time with your husband, a bit more help with the kids, or simply having something that is just for yourself; whether that means getting back to work in some sense or joining a group, taking up a new hobby etc? I know family and farm life is terribly busy, but it’s important to prioritise time for your relationship and yourself too. You say your husband is a good man who loves you, so I’m sure he would want to know if you were not entirely happy. If you feel you need extra support, you could also consider speaking with a counsellor, just to touch base on where you are and what you need to do for you.

As for the ex, the best thing might be to wish him luck with his move home, but to say that with family and farm life, it’s unlikely you will be unable to meet up and leave it there. I wish you the best of luck. CL