As I told you last week she’s retired from the library service in the Dublin or Kildare area and has settled here in the village. She has plenty of time on her hands and, from what I can see, uses most of it trying to predict my movements on a daily basis. She is very successful in her endeavours, because she manages to turn up everywhere I feature, often even arriving before me.

Last week, Todd at the Depot said that she must have spent most of her library days perusing the Mills and Boon publications, but I reckon she spent them in the private-eye section: I’m beginning to think she has my phone tapped.

My big fear is that the Mother will get to notice it. When it comes to women in my life, she has two reactions: if she likes them she loves them and if she doesn’t like them she turns poisonous. I don’t know how she’ll react to the brave Matilda; if she takes a liking to her the two of them will drive me from my own home and if she takes a dislike to her the trench warfare will leave the Battle of the Somme looking like a bun fight, meanwhile I’ll be lost in a veritable no-man’s-land between two warring women.

I complained to Sergeant McKready, who told me there was nothing he could do unless she trespassed on my property or made a public nuisance of herself in the course of the “courtship”.

“Courtship?” I asked. “What courtship? She’s not courtin’ me, Sergeant, she is stalkin’ me. A courtship involves two willin’ participants. I am neither willin’ nor a participant in this thing. I have no more interest in courtin’ her than I have in courtin’ you.”

“I’m relieved to hear that,” answered McKready. “My wife wouldn’t take too kindly to it and the Chief Super wouldn’t be too happy to hear I was sleepin’ with a local councillor.”

“Who said anything about sleepin’ with anyone?” says I.

“I’m sorry,” said the Sergeant, “but nowadays the time lapse between the first date and the first romp in the scratcher is measured in nano seconds. In some cases, the latter can predate the former.”

“You’re no help,” says I.

“Not until she puts a ladder up to your boudoir and tries to climb in the window can I intervene.”

“God preserve me from that eventuality,” I said.

“’Twill be my job to preserve you when things get to that stage,” says he, “but if I may say so, were I in your position I wouldn’t dismiss entirely the notion of openin’ the window and lettin’ her in.”

“Now, Sergeant,” says I.

“Hear me out, Maurice,” says he. “Look at this objectively: she’s around your own age, she’s obviously a well-read woman and would have a fine pension from the library, you could do an awful lot worse than liftin’ the latch to her.”

“Sergeant McKready,” says I, getting up on my high horse, “I brought this to your attention as a matter of security and expected you to act in your capacity as a officer of the law. But, instead, you have suddenly decided to take on the mantle of matchmaker. What the Chief Super make of that?”

“He’d be delighted. His wife passed away two years ago and he’s mad for a woman. Maybe I should introduce him to Ms Green? That would kill two birds with the one stone: she’d be off your back, so to speak, and I’d have a friend in high places.”

“Unless of course it turned out to be a bad match, then he’d never forgive you.”

“I never thought of that,” said McKready. “In the meantime, I’ll keep an eye on things, in so far as the law permits. However, if I were you I wouldn’t be spending too much time on a dental examination of this particular gift horse – just lie back and think of the pension.”

I was sorely tempted to give him a kick in the shin, but that would be an assault on a Garda in the line of duty – not something a public representative should have on his CV.

’Tis worse this thing is getting, the forces of nature and the forces of law and order are conspiring with this woman to corral me into a marriage after a lifetime of bachelor bliss. To quote the infamous Lord Denning: an “appalling vista” is opening up in front of me.

I decided ’twas time to press the nuclear button and tell the Mother. With the help of God she’ll explode. I thought I’d never have to pray for such a thing. CL