The Dealer is obviously familiar with all the mart lingo. “Watch your bids now”, “Stand on”, “on the bridge”, “from the judge” and “she’ll give you all the milk she has” are among the favourites.

The onset of online sales has brought some new sayings to the mart rings, or should I say kitchen tables, over the past few weeks.

“Watch the mouse now lads,” is a popular one, along with “check the screen folks”, “hit the button” and, the best one yet, “this is some heifer folks, if only ye could see her in the flesh”.

Spotters

It has also seen the introduction of spotters to the mart trade. These “spotters” will view the cattle on the morning of a sale, and make contact with prospective purchasers to buy the chosen lots online.

Some spotters are working for multiple clients, which must be confusing. Imagine telling two customers to buy the same cattle.

Marts too are catching on to the tricks of the trade. The Dealer is reliably informed that lighting is important for the camera and the more gold-coloured it is the better.

The best story of all has been the father and son duo who set up two accounts, one to sell and one to buy, or maybe bid is a better description.

I’m told when the father is selling, the son sits beside him and bids. If the son is in when the hammer drops, he’s not happy with the price, if he’s the under-bidder, the animal is sold.

Innovation at its best, all in the kitchen and not a mart dinner to be bought for anyone.

To be a fly on the wall in the Taoiseach’s office

Last week An Taoiseach Leo Varadkar told the Dáil it “might make sense” to bring forward direct payments to farmers to July, instead of the usual payment time of October.

His comment was on the back of a suggestion from Tipperary TD Michael Lowry and I almost choked on my tea reading that the Taoiseach agreed with him.

Varadkar then went on to say that “beef farmers have been suffering for years now” and that it “might help cashflow”. He added he would speak with Minister Creed on the possibility of it presumably unaware of the complications that would give rise to. The Dealer would only love to be a fly on the wall or have the Zoom ID number for that meeting.

Supporting essential workers

The Dealer has been impressed by farmers’ efforts to support their fellow essential workers.

Louth man Peter Rooney, a 75-year-old farmer, took to his vintage Ferguson T20 to complete a 24-hour charity drive around a field for PPE gear for health workers.

At the other side of the country, McAuliffe Pig Farms has erected a large poster on the main Kerry road thanking all essential workers. In trying times, it’s always great to see people come together.

Roosters causing ructions in UK

It seems the UK is going through a new kind of pandemic – rooster dumping.

Urban folk keen to ensure their own egg supply at the start of lockdown unwittingly purchased pullets which turned out to be the non-laying – and noisy – male variety.

In turn, animal welfare groups are now finding roosters abandoned on roadsides and have asked people to stop buying chickens.

As Mrs Dealer commented, it wouldn’t be the first time the male of the species was left out in the cold.

TDs argue over tourism capital

Last Thursday’s Dáil sitting made for interesting viewing for The Dealer, with rural TDs Marian Harkin and Michael Healy-Rae disagreeing on Ireland’s tourism capital.

During question time with the Minister for Business Heather Humphreys, who name-checked a number of rural gin brands in her replies, Healy-Rae asserted that Kerry was not only the tourism capital of Ireland, but the tourism capital “of the western world”.

Later, Marian Harkin got up and disagreed with the Kerry deputy. She said that the northwest was the “jewel in the crown” for Irish tourism. It made for a nice break from the coronavirus.

Ceann Sibéal on the Dingle Peninsula, Co Kerry. \ Valerie O’Sullivan

Hauling ass for ANC scheme

I see Minister Creed has said “there are no plans to reverse” the decision which allows for donkeys to account for only 50% of the stocking density required in the ANC scheme.

The new rule came into effect this year.

The balance must be filled with other eligible animals –cattle, sheep, deer and so on.

Time to haul ass it appears.

Pickers scarce

I see the furore over Keelings flying in workers to pick fruit for the summer harvest resulted in just 78 local people being eligible to do the job, out of nearly 500 applications locally.

I read that nearly 200 didn’t respond when contacted and over 200 failed initial screening. Meanwhile in the UK, I read last month that only 112 out of 50,000 people who applied actually took up roles picking fruit and veg.