This week I talk to two rural parents of transgender offspring – those who believe they are born in the wrong body and want sex-change operations.

I also talks to Robert, formerly Laura*, who is half way through sex-reassignment surgery.

“A lot of parents out there are dealing with this, even farming families, and don’t know where to turn. I was like that myself for years,” says Sonya, one of the founders of TransParenCI, a support organisation for parents of transgender children.

Sonya’s second daughter, Laura, has become a son.

Laura (now Robert) has had both breasts removed, is on regular testosterone injections and will soon have ‘bottom surgery’.

“It would have been easier if Laura had been lesbian,” Sonya says.

“Being gay is more acceptable now – but for anyone with a child that’s transgender, it’s still very hard.”

While Sonya now accepts that her daughter has become a son, it has been a long, difficult process.

“For a long time I was angry. I kept asking: ‘Why did this happen to us?’ My husband still doesn’t accept it. He’s where I was 10 years ago with this,” she says.

Sonya noticed that her daughter played with boys’ toys from the age of five.

“It was always football, Ninja Turtles and tracksuits. I thought she’d change, but she didn’t.”

By the age of 10 or 11, Sonya knew that her daughter was very unhappy.

“One day she asked me how much it would cost to get a sex change. ‘I want to be a boy,’ she said. A person who is transgender knows what they want to be. I know that now.”

Secondary school was extremely difficult for Laura and her family.

“She was bullied a lot and she didn’t want to go to school because she didn’t want to wear a skirt or use the girls’ toilets. ‘I want to be a boy’ kept coming up stronger all the time.”

Crisis point came when Laura was 14.

“She hacked off her hair one night that she stayed out. It was out of frustration of not wanting to be a girl. Everything got worse after that and she ended up in hospital, suicidal. It was a very, very difficult time for us all.”

Sonya also discovered that her daughter was wearing a binder to flatten her breasts.

“I was horrified, worrying about her having back problems from wearing something tight like that all the time.”

After staying with a relative in another part of the country where she lived as a boy and everyone knew her as Robert, Laura eventually went back to school and did the Leaving Cert Applied Course.

“I was happy that she’d have some sort of certificate as I was worried about her ever being able to get a job.”

Seeing a Late Late Show programme in 2008 that featured a man who’d become a woman – Sara-Jane Cromwell – was a turning point for Sonya.

“Sara-Jane (formerly Thomas) Cromwell had written a book called Becoming Myself, and when I listened to her I recognised all the signs.

Sonya took Laura to see Dr James Kelly, the Dublin–based clinical psychologist mentioned in the book.

“The diagnosis was immediate – gender identity disorder and transgender. I was relieved because I now had a name for what was happening. My attitude then was that I wanted to be informed.”

Laura was referred to the endocrine unit in St Columcille’s Hospital, Loughlinstown – the only clinic in Ireland to treat transgender people.

There she began hormone treatment (testosterone). She has since had a double mastectomy.

“I now call Laura, Robert,” Sonya says. “That’s what he wants to be called.

He is going to Ghent in Belgium to have ‘bottom surgery’ in January.”

Robert changed his name from Laura by deed poll when he was 18 and started college under his new, male name.

“He was a different person after that. I had a completely happy person in the house for the first time. Now he has a girlfriend and a job and he’s doing well and is looking forward to having the rest of the surgery.”

Sonya later got in touch with Vanessa Lacey, a Waterford-based woman who was once a man, and who is national co-ordinator of TENI (Transgender Equality Network Ireland), a support group for transgender people.

This led to a support organisation for parents, TransParenCI (Trans Parents Connect Ireland), being set up.

“It was a lifesaver for me,” Sonya says. “It’s going four years now and we meet in a Carlow hotel regularly.”

The costs of Robert’s treatment were covered by the HSE after his diagnosis five years ago.

*Names have been changed but are known to editor

A FATHER’S STORY

John* is a rural man and father of three boys. Tracey*, formerly James*, is his second child. She is now 19.

James was suicidal at the age of 12 and was subsequently seen by a HSE child psychologist and referred to a British clinic where he began hormone treatment (oestrogen) at the age of 15.

She expects to have the full sex change (to a female) within a year.“James always played with dolls,” says John. “My wife noticed when he was three-years-old, but I was in denial.

“I thought it was just a phase, but when he was 11-years-old he went more into himself and we had to contact child psychological services. He kept saying he wasn’t a boy, he was a girl.

“The doctors had never come across something like this and neither had we. Our world turned upside down trying to cope with it all.”

DIFFICULT

“Being transgender is very difficult for a person. They feel like they were born in the wrong body. It’s that strong of a feeling. It’s not a lifestyle choice.”

“He was diagnosed at 13 but we kept that to ourselves for a good few years. Eventually, we decided to tell people to stop all the talking and guessing.

“We had even gone through a period of thinking of moving because of the embarrassment, but we stopped thinking like that.”

SUPPORTIVE

“I went to neighbours’ houses one morning and told them all. Anyone I told couldn’t have been more helpful and friendly. I was amazed by how supportive people were.

“The principal in her school also gave a talk about her, with our permission, and she never had a bit of hassle off anyone after that.

“As parents, the only thing that can help you through this is a strong marriage, each other, and your family and neighbours.

“It’s a hard journey for a family – and a child – but you have to take it on the chin.

“I’m a man’s man, but, saying that, you have to have a bit of sense – your child is your child at the end of the day. Transgender people are entitled to a life the same as the rest of us.”

Tracey travels to London for treatment under the Treatment Abroad Scheme, but prior to that her family paid the costs. She will have all of her surgery in Britain.

John is thankful that there is more awareness now.

“When we started, nobody knew anything. TransParenCI has been a big help to a lot of people.

“Like Sonya, another parent in the group, I’d talk to any parent going through this because I know what it’s like to need help and support.”

TRANSGENDER INFO

• It is estimated that 1% of all populations are transgender.

• All transgender people don’t feel the need to transition, i.e. have sex-reassignment surgery.

• There are currently 160 people on transition medication in St Columcille’s Hospital, Loughlinstown.

• Sex-reassignment operations are carried out in Britain and in Belgium.

• Recent Scottish research has shown that 40% of all transgender people have attempted suicide and 78% have thought about it.

• “It’s a stark figure,” says Vanessa Lacey, national co-ordinator of TENI. “A lot more understanding and awareness is needed.”

ROBERT’S STORY

Robert is Sonya’s son (formerly her daughter Laura).

“As a kid, I always knew,” he says. “I remember asking Mom how much it would be for a sex change. Growing up I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere.

“All I wanted was to be a boy. I hated my mother calling me Laura. I’d keep saying ‘my name is Robert’. Being diagnosed at 18 by Dr Kelly was wonderful.

“I felt excited but nervous as well about starting the hormone treatment. I was afraid of how people would react.

“After two months, facial hair started growing and I was able to pass more as a boy. That’s the most important thing for anyone who is transgender – being able to pass as the sex you want to be.

“I had the top surgery done over a year ago - a double mastectomy in the Mater. I was scared as it takes a few months to recover, but I was really excited to finally be able to go swimming.

“I’ll be going to Ghent to see the doctors about bottom surgery in January.

“After going through the top surgery and seeing how much my life has improved, I’m just so happy that I can’t wait to get the rest done and finally be who I want to be.”