Dear Miriam,

I have a problem I would like to share with you and your readers if possible. When I was 40 years old, which is 15 years ago, I built a new house and decided I would get married and start my family, having been very badly treated and let down by my girlfriend of four years and the love of my life 20 years earlier.

I am a dairy farmer and decided I’d go dating again and hopefully meet a decent lady to marry and start a family with. I dated four ladies (one at a time) over the last 15 years, all of whom have their own families and were separated.

I am a decent man and never two-timed any lady in my life (which I see is not the norm). I go dancing every weekend and really enjoy it. I know now that because my parents did not give me control of the farm when I was in my 20s – and not my 40s – I would have had my family reared by now.

I live on my own and find it hard to sleep most nights, tossing and turning and wondering what way I’ll end up. Many of my male friends are in the same position and are farmers as well.

Would counselling help me or would it be a waste of money and time? Please reply if possible.

Many thanks and God bless,

Hurt and lonely Munster Farmer

Dear Munster Farmer,

Thank you very much for your letter, which I’m sure will strike a chord with many readers.

I am sorry that you were badly hurt and “let down” all those years ago by your ex-girlfriend. That experience seems to have left a scar that has never fully healed.

You don’t say why the later relationships did not work out – perhaps you wanted different things regarding children, etc? – but it is quite likely that your early experience could have cast a long shadow if you never had the chance to deal with its impact.

You also seem to feel that the delay in inheriting the farm affected your ability to make your own plans for the future; and again, this is a story that many people will identify with.

I suspect that there is a lot of sadness and regret around this issue that you have never been able to express, and that will have taken its toll too.

So, as to your question regarding counselling: yes, I do believe it would be a good thing for you to consider it, especially when you find yourself tossing and turning at night.

Like many men, you have probably carried a lot of your worries within you for a long time and have never had the opportunity or the support structure to work through them.

Speaking with a professional counsellor would give you a safe space to address issues from the past; but also to start looking towards your future – what you would like it to look like – and help put a realistic road map in place with the little steps you could take towards fulfilling your larger, long-term goals.

With regards relationships, you sound like a kind and decent man who has respect for women, and who also likes to enjoy himself by, for instance, going to the dances. I’m sure that many women reading this would really like to meet somebody like you.

But maybe it’s worth taking a little bit of time for now to care for yourself through counselling so that if and when the right woman comes along, you are in the best place possible for that relationship.

I’m not sure what county you are in, but you can find details of a registered counsellor near you at https://iacp.ie, while organisations like MyMind offer affordable counselling and psychotherapy in centres in Limerick, Cork and Dublin as well as online by visiting https://mymind.org/ or calling 076 680 1060 for further information.

I understand that the thought of talking to somebody can be daunting, but by taking this positive step for yourself, you are taking a much larger leap towards a brighter future.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey. CL