The list is long about what love can do for you, health-wise. Research worldwide has shown that feeling loved can lower blood pressure, help you heal quicker, decrease anxiety and depressive thinking patterns and reduce pain.

It’s all down to certain hormones doing their stuff. That happy band of chemicals – endorphins, serotonin, oxytocin and dopamine – being released into our systems when we love and feel loved makes us feel good about ourselves and more positive and optimistic about life, thereby galvanising us against stress and ill health.

RISKY BUSINESS

On the romantic side, though, falling in love can be a risky business, says Arklow-based counsellor Trish Therkelsen. “To love is to be vulnerable. To get a level of intimacy in any relationship, you have to let your guard down and let somebody into your inner circle, where you are open to being hurt. That’s why it’s a risk. You’re taking a chance on somebody.

“If you’ve been hurt in the past, it can be very hard to be exposed to that again – but on the other hand we’re driven, as Freud said, by our sexual drive, to be constantly searching out a partner. We are often in conflict about that. On the one hand we want to be in love but on the other we can be afraid.”

LOVE AS A CHILD IMPORTANT

In a healthy relationship a person gets a sense of their own self-worth, of having their life witnessed and validated by another human being, she says. Being loved as a child is very important, she believes, in preparing us for those adult relationships.

“When you’re loved and protected as a child, you have a secure base to start from. If there has been a breach of that relationship at a young age, however, one of two things may happen. You may either shut down or you become needy and spend your life chasing the dream of that perfect love.

“A lot of young people are still growing up with very fanciful notions around what love is, and often they don’t realise this. Unrealistic expectations or views of love can be a problem.”

SOCIAL MEDIA IMPACT

Modern technology can complicate relationships too. “Many people find social life easy but unfortunately I see a lot of young women in their 20s, who had loving childhoods, who are full of anxiety and insecurity.

“I would see the current media and social networks climate as having a huge impact on how young people behave. Everything has become more intense now. Again, it’s looking outside yourself for validation and stimulation.

“This new age has put the cat among the pigeons with relationships, because of the ability of people to make connections fast.”

She mentions the fact that you don’t have to leave the house now in order to meet somebody new. “You could have two people in a sitting-room, both on different devices, and they could be communicating with other people on their phones – and all sorts of things could be going on, which may be perceived as unfaithfulness and often is. This often leads to relationship breakdown.

“Using social media, some people continually want the high that they get from being in an ‘exciting’ relationship. It’s almost like a drug, them thinking: ‘I can so easily get it, it’s readily available.’ It is a big change from the days when you had to physically go out to the pub or dancehall or disco or whatever to try make a connection.”

Another view

Pierce Neville is a Wexford town-based accredited counsellor. He says:“Having love in your life has been proven to be good for your health, boosting your immune system and raising happiness levels. If people are not getting on well together, however, stress occurs and stress can cause all sorts of health problems.”

Couples who love one another “give off happiness”, he believes. “There’s a lovely air about them that helps their children and the people around them, even the broader community. It’s great to see it.”

Pierce mentions the work of William Glasser when it comes to love. “He reckoned that for us to feel happy we require that four basic needs be met, whether we are in a relationship or not in a relationship: fun and satisfaction; love and belonging; power; and freedom. You can’t have all these needs met all the time, but as long as you’re getting some balance of that some of the time, then that’s good.”

Love can even make us better people, he adds. “We can be set in our ways as individuals, so being in a couple helps to take the rough edges off, as we work through what one likes and what the other likes and doesn’t like. It’s by listening to the feedback from the other person that we become a better person. In a good relationship, we hopefully would make each other better, more rounded, human beings.”

When someone appears desperate to be in a relationship, Pierce Neville would also question what’s driving them. “I would wonder are they looking for all their needs to be met by somebody else. In reality, we have to be able to provide some of our own needs ourselves. Neediness isn’t usually attractive in an individual, whereas someone who is confident but not cocky can be very attractive.”

For those who are feeling desperate it would be important to figure out what need is driving them, he says. “They should look at what they want, what they expect this other person to provide for them. It could be to do with their own self-esteem (or lack of it).”

Seeing a counsellor or psycho-therapist in this situation, even for one session, could be helpful. “It can help you focus on what you actually want in your life, on what it is you’re looking for and what’s driving you and why, because you can’t [change] anything until you are aware of what it is you need to work on. Seeing a counsellor is about building awareness of yourself.”

Moving into new relationships too quickly isn’t a good idea either, he points out. “You need a space to give you a chance to learn how to be on your own,” he says. “If you are continually in a relationship, you are never going to know what you’re like yourself. It’ll be too much about being attached to another person.”

Some people can be addicted to the “in love” feeling also. “They love that feeling so much that when anything crops up they’re gone. They don’t want to get down to the nitty gritty of life. They want the other feeling back again. It’s an immaturity they may not realise they have.”

While Pierce knows of many happy couples who met online, he agrees with Trish that online communication when already in a relationship can be an issue for some couples.

“There’s also the problem of relationships online or by phone suddenly ending without explanation and how that can affect a person.

“You think you’re getting on fine with someone ,then they just cut [you]off and you’re thinking: ‘What happened there?’ Or: ‘What did I do wrong?’ It can affect a person’s self-confidence.” CL

KEEPING LOVE ALIVE

Both counsellors have some tips for keeping relationships healthy. Respect is mentioned by both.

Trish Therkelsen:

1 Caring behaviour pays off. It is important in keeping a relationship going.

2 Respect, kindness and empathy for the other person are essential.

3 Always keep the channels of communication open.

Pierce Neville:

1 Organise regular date nights to keep your relationship on track.

2 Don’t avoid difficult conversations.

3 Ensure you have some time for yourself.

4 Respect is vital.

5 Have fun. We are constantly being fed negativity Remember that what’s going on in your own home is more important than what’s going on in the outside world. Ask yourself why are you watching x or reading y?

A Valentine’s verdict

Trish Therkelsen:

“There is a lot of pressure around St Valentine’s Day with the whole notion of being seen to be in a relationship and, to a certain degree, to show it monetarily, but I think a lot of people are cynical about it too. I’m more of the mindset that you do small things every day of the year. In counselling we work with people around where they are sourcing their happiness and what they are giving their priority to. The 14th just plays on the insecurity of people.”

Pierce Neville:

“All the lovey-dovey stuff for Valentine’s Day is very well, but it’s marketing. Everybody is selling something. We have a free will. We can choose to take part in that or have nothing to do with any of it.”

looking for love?

Three great places to start:

  • • Read 5 Side Effects of Kindness and How Your Mind Can Heal Your Body, both by Dr David Hamilton.
  • • See William Glasser’s work also about basic needs.
  • • Visit www.iacp.ie for a list of counsellors in your area.