Dear Miriam,

I’m in my early 50s, I had a very good education and then I went in to a very good and challenging job, which gave me another type of education. Then I got married.

I’ve often wondered how I could have made such a terrible decision in choosing a husband. He’s a farmer and I also come from a farming background. Your previous writer (a few weeks back) was nearly in the same situation as myself. She likes to talk /chat and the next thing she hears is the back door slamming. At this stage, all we are able to discuss are farming matters related to our cattle, etc. He will never talk about things going on with him, or current affairs. He also won’t take a weekend break, or even a few days away somewhere.

You have advised other writers to pick up activities and hobbies to take themselves out of their situations, and I certainly have. While I’ve gone on lovely holidays with lovely people, it sometimes reinforces the point of how absolutely abnormal the life that I am living is. So, therefore, I live a pretty lonely life, while desperately trying my best to look outward, and I can tell you it takes a lot of energy and willpower to be positive and self-motivated.

Is there any way out of this? I haven’t got the money nor the inclination to start afresh on my own, i.e. to leave my house (as it’s not a home). Is there any way possible to meet up with other women in similar situations, like the women who wrote in to you already?

Yours faithfully,

Lonely Wife

Dear Lonely Wife,

Thank you for your letter. I know that I often risk sounding like a broken record when I advise women in similar situations to find alternative outlets for themselves, e.g. to take up a new hobby, training or even a work opportunity. I also completely appreciate the enormous effort it must take to do any of the above, especially when you find yourself coming back to a silent house and a sour atmosphere, and wondering, ‘what’s the point?’

But there is a point. After all, how else can you start to claw back a bit of enthusiasm for life and the motivation – and confidence – to change your situation, if not with small steps?

Lack of communication seems to be at the heart of the problem in your home, but even if your husband is unwilling to attend counselling, I would recommend that you seek support through an organisation like ACCORD (www.accord.ie). Obviously, you are a strong person and you are doing your best to live as full a life as possible, but it’s important to have somebody you can speak to in confidence when you struggle, and to give you the support you need to take the next step – whatever that may be.

For example, you stress that you don’t have the money nor the inclination to start afresh, but earlier in the letter you mentioned that you had a very good education and worked in a challenging sector. Maybe you feel you have been out of the workforce for too long, but I’m sure that with a little guidance you could find a place and purpose again, even if it might mean starting in the voluntary sector until you regain some of your old confidence. Again, through counselling you can try to make a short- to medium-term plan for yourself in terms of what you want from your life and what practical ways you can set about achieving it.

I know that you would like to talk to other readers in a similar situation. Unfortunately, due to the anonymity of this service, there is no formal forum to do so, but maybe some will reach out after reading this letter (they can do so by writing to this page.) But ultimately, you are the master of your own destiny. I really hope that you keep your courage and don’t allow your spirit to be quenched. I also wish you luck in finding peace, respect and happiness. CL