Dear Miriam,

About 10 years ago I had a short but intense relationship with a man I met while I was working in Dublin. When I met him initially, I knew that he was planning to go travelling with friends, so it was never going to be serious, but at the same time I did develop feelings for him.

We stayed in touch a bit by email while he was away and met up a few times when he came home to Ireland, but it fizzled out because it always seemed to be on his terms, ie he’d talk about meeting up for dinner or drinks and then have to cancel at the last minute, or he’d send me a text asking how I was, but then would not bother responding to my reply.

I would get very frustrated and tell myself it was a waste of time even entertaining these messages, but I could not help answering him when he got in touch, even though nothing ever came from it.

Eventually the emails and texts stopped and I didn’t hear anything from him for a few years. Recently, however, I got a friend request from him on Facebook and could not resist accepting it to see what was going on in his life. From what I could make out, he has a girlfriend/partner and they have a baby together. I’m single myself, so I admit I did feel a bit of a pang when I saw that.

A few days ago, he sent me a private message saying he was delighted to re-connect with me and that he would love to meet up for old time’s sake. I no longer live in Dublin, but he said that he travels with his job and would be in my neck of the woods in the next few weeks and maybe we could catch up then.

Going on his past record, I suspected that was the last I’d hear of it, but I got a new message yesterday saying he will be around in two weeks and would I like to meet for dinner? I really don’t know what to do. Part of me is so curious to meet up with him, but it doesn’t feel right either. More than likely he will just call it off anyway. Should I just say yes and see what happens?

Confused, Cork

Dear Confused, Cork

Why would you want to meet with this person who has caused you so much frustration and disappointment in the past; especially now that he has a partner and a child and therefore the potential to hurt even more people?

He has a track record in playing mind games with you from when you were both single, so why subject yourself to it again when he is involved with somebody else? If he cancels, as you say you expect he will, you will just be hurt again. And if he does meet you, what is really to be gained from it? Do you really need him in your life, even if it’s just platonically? Though, to be honest, I would have to question his motivation at being so eager to meet up. Do you think his girlfriend is aware of his plan? I doubt it.

It seems to me that over the course of the last 10 years, he has held all the cards and that could be the source of your frustration and that feeling of unfinished business. Of course, there is that element of curiousity there and perhaps you think that a meeting would show him what he has missed out on, but you know what is the best way to do that? By not meeting him and showing him that you have moved on.

My advice is to take your power back and say you have other plans, and gradually distance yourself from him. Whatever regret you might feel will be nothing compared to the hurt that could be in store for you – and others – if you did proceed with the meeting.

You deserve much better than that. Prove it.