Dear Miriam

I am sitting considering the pros and cons of suicide. I feel smothered and trapped in my life and this seems the only way out. It has been like this for almost half my life. Some of the things that have happened in my life are unusual, ie alcoholic father, sexually abused by a neighbour etc. The truth is we were badly neglected by our parents as children.

Despite this, I managed to have a successful career. I made great friends, did well at work and had a happy life. I married a handsome, clever, charming man. Everyone loves him. I did once, too, but not now. He is an abusive husband. He is the most subtle of abusers. Only I know the truth. After a number of incidents, my world fell apart. I was overwhelmed and developed very severe post-natal depression. I was medicated for several years. It seemed then and still seems so unfair that I was not the problem but I seemed to be – I was the one who needed to see a psychiatrist/be medicated.

I gave up work because my psychiatrist told me I would never be well until I reduced stress in my life. My husband was my main stressor, but the psychiatrist thought it was my job as I daren’t tell him of my husband’s deviant behaviour. I became financially dependent and am until this day. My confidence is so shattered and my concentration so poor I don’t feel I could hold a job down.

I have been seeing a counsellor and her room is the one place in the world where I feel truth and justice for me exist. It has been enormously expensive, but to be honest I think it has kept me alive. She will be retiring shortly. The truth and justice will cease to exist in that one small place. There is no hope without that one little piece of light in my life. So tired of being trapped. I don’t want it anymore.

C, North West

PS, I stay because I can’t go financially and because I want my children educated above all else. They are high achievers and deserve the chance to be what they want to be.

Dear C, North West,

First of all, thank you for getting in touch. Due to space constraints, I can’t print all your letter, but trust that I read it carefully.

Despite what you went through as a child, you succeeded in your career and found a little peace. That shows great strength. Sadly, your “happy ever after” was taken away when you realised the man you married was not who you thought he was, and for many years you have felt trapped, while trying to hold everything together for your children so that they have every opportunity you feel you were denied.

The one bright light was the counsellor who gave you the space to be your true self; so I can understand how frightening it must feel now she is retiring. However, there are other people who can help you and it is important to reach out to them, just like you have to me with your letter.

While you’ve tried to shut the door on your childhood experiences, I feel you should get further support in exploring the impact that your relationship with your parents has had on your life, as well the issues in the marriage. One reason you give for feeling trapped is that you don’t want your children to miss out on opportunities – but remember, you are not your parents. Your love for your children shines through your letter and I’m sure they feel cherished and encouraged by you in every way possible.

But you need to show that same compassion for yourself and realise you are worthy of love, too. That begins with finding a safe place to talk about the impact of the issues you raise, both past and present, to regain some of that lost confidence and realise that you have options as well as rights, as difficult as they might be to see at present.

I know it’s not easy to rebuild trust with another counsellor, but would you consider a service in the northwest such as Donegal Sexual Abuse & Rape Crisis Centre, who provide free counselling in person or by phone in confidence?

They can be contacted on Freefone 1800-448-844. There is also an excellent website (www.cosc.ie) that lists local support groups nationwide, while Women’s Aid can be contacted in confidence on 1800-341-900 at any time. Console also offers 24/7 free, professional counselling support and advice on their helpline at 1800-247-247, while the Samaritans can be contacted on 116-123

There is hope and help – don’t be afraid to seek it.