Dear Miriam

I am hoping you might be able to help or advise me and give me tips.

I am feeling really down as a result of friends and colleagues. My confidence is at rock bottom and I am conscious of what I’m saying.

The reason for this is that when I’m in a group of people and if we’re talking and I speak, they look at each other and answer me back while smirking to each other. If I address this, I’m told I’m sensitive, even though it is really obvious.

I am generally a really bubbly person and I love clothes, holidays etc, as do my friends, but at times it’s okay for them to talk about whatever, but I get a cutting remark when I talk. When people look at each other smirking or eye contacting each other, how does one address this as it seems they have little respect for me? I really feel miserable.

Thanking you

Laura, Leinster

Dear Laura,

Thank you so much for your letter. What I decided to do was refer it to Geraldine Mulpeter, who is a psychotherapist with MyMind, which provides fast and affordable access to counselling face-to-face and online. MyMind has centres in Dublin, Cork and Limerick as well as offering online counselling – find out more on https://mymind.org/ or call 076-680 1060.

I am sorry you are experiencing this. Struggling with self-confidence can be very debilitating. It’s so easy for us to question everything and everyone when we are feeling a bit unsteady in ourselves. Chances are, if your confidence is low then your self-esteem might not be as healthy as it should be. Other people’s comments and behaviours can hit us hard and we become very conscious of how we relate for fear of being judged or laughed at. From reading your mail, I wonder how you feel towards yourself?

You say: “I am feeling really down as a result of friends and colleagues. My confidence is at rock bottom and I am conscious of what I’m saying.” This highlights for me a gap between what a friendship should be and how your friends behave towards you. Ask yourself what it is you would like from a friendship? You say you have told them how their comments make you feel, yet they brushed them aside by saying you are “too sensitive”.

Friendships tend to be marked by mutual respect and understanding for each other. You don’t mention how long you’ve known these people for or if there are others in your life who do treat you well. The reason I’m curious about this is because sometimes when we feel lonely or feel like we don’t have many close connections, we might be more willing to accept less meaningful relationships. This is just something for you to consider.

Have a look at your personal boundaries. We each have one. They are a bit like our own guidebook to what is and isn’t acceptable in relationships.

An idea perhaps would be for you to reflect on your boundaries and how you value yourself as an individual. It is not okay to be subjected to cutting remarks and to have your feelings brushed to one side. How would it be for you to take a stronger position with your friends? Would you be comfortable saying: “I feel like my views and opinions don’t matter to you. When I’ve mentioned this before you told me I was being too sensitive.” Their response will speak volumes. Again, it’s just an idea for you.

Here are some words that may help you communicate your boundary to other people: “This is hard for me to say; I’d rather not; It’s important to me; I feel uncomfortable; I do understand your view but…”

A friendship where you feel disrespected is really no friendship at all. Going forward, keep an eye on your self-esteem and be aware of any possible patterns which may emerge in your relationships. Sometimes when we feel bad about ourselves, we allow others to treat us badly. It’s a bit like saying: “Well I’m not too bothered about myself so why should anyone else be.” Get in to the habit of telling yourself that you are deserving and worthy of respect and quality friendships. Fill your life with experiences you enjoy and people who add positivity.

I wish you all the best,

Geraldine.