Dear Miriam,

I am married to a farmer who took over the family farm from his parents. They lived in the traditional old farmhouse, while we built nearby. He has two other siblings, but they live and work up the country with their own families.

While my mother and father-in-law were alive, the family home was very much the meeting place for the siblings and cousins at Christmas, Easter, summer holidays, etc. However, a few years ago my father-in-law passed away and last year my mother-in-law.

I don’t want to move in, but I definitely feel that there is the potential to invest a bit of money in the old house and use it for Airbnb

As well as the farm, the original house was passed onto my husband and our family. I don’t want to move in, but I definitely feel that there is the potential to invest a bit of money in the old house and use it for Airbnb, as we live in a lovely area popular with tourists. My husband also agrees that this is a good idea and would help supplement the farm income.

However, this has not gone down too well with my husband’s siblings. I think they feel that we are not being respectful or trying to take away the “family home” from them.

However, the reality is that they don’t come down as much as they used to since their mother passed and we cannot afford to leave the house sitting there as a museum, or let it fall to rack and ruin.

I don’t want to see a fall out in the family over this, but at the same time we do need to move forward. What would you advise?

West Cork reader

Dear West Cork reader,

Thank you for your letter. I can certainly see how this is a sensitive issue for all involved. It’s not just any old house we are talking about: it’s a special place full of happy memories, a connection with loved ones lost and a central meeting point for the entire family. And I suppose no matter how old we are, or where we live or work, there is always something special about coming “home”.

At the same time though, I don’t think that anyone can afford to leave an old farmhouse lying idle for most of the year and that people have to be practical. So I suppose it’s about trying to go forward with your plans, but in a way that the family still feel like they can always call the house their home.

I’m going to assume that everything is in order in terms of the ownership of the home and its contents; if not, then that really needs to be addressed first with legal advice. After that, I think the best thing might be to decide with your husband what exactly it is you want to do with the house. Then – out of courtesy rather than obligation – it might be a good idea to let the siblings know what you have in mind, emphasising that while it will be used primarily as guest accommodation, they will always be welcome to stay there (though they will obviously have to let you know in advance).

It might be a good idea to have some sort of family gathering in the home before works start, like a reunion weekend or even some sort of mass or blessing if that is your thing.

I’m not saying that people will agree with everything you decide to do, nor should you aim to people please

I’m not sure what renovation or decoration work is needed, but it also might be nice to hang some old family photos or display some sentimental items as a tribute to your husband’s parents who lived and farmed there all their lives.

I’m not saying that people will agree with everything you decide to do, nor should you aim to people please. But I think a lot of the backlash could be caused by fear of change and the unknown. Keeping the family up to date on the works (within reason) and a few little touches might help to make them feel involved rather than excluded and realise that they will always have a place to call home. I hope this is of some help. Best of luck with the project.

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