Dear Miriam,

I hope this email finds you well. I would appreciate your input on my situation. We live on my husband’s family farm, in a relatively new build. His elderly mother lives in the original family home, just up the laneway. My husband’s siblings and their families are scattered around the country, but each summer, their children come down to the farm on holidays. In the early days, they would stay with their granny, but as it became harder for her to manage the extra cooking and cleaning, we offered to let them stay with us; once they were happy to bunk down on the floor of our kids’ rooms.

With everything that has happened with the virus, however, I’m very uncomfortable about the prospect of anybody coming to stay

It was never a big issue and we were happy that the cousins could spend time together, and with their granny, when they live far away.

With everything that has happened with the virus, however, I’m very uncomfortable about the prospect of anybody coming to stay this summer. My husband’s siblings don’t seem as worried. One of them has already texted to ask me what week might suit, once “the travel restrictions lift”. Miriam, I do understand that things are starting to open up again, but I’m just not comfortable with the idea of kids coming and going from our house all summer.

My husband thinks that I am over-cautious

I know that they have not been sick, but you never know who might be a carrier and I would be very worried too if one of them brought the virus to their granny. I would not dream of sending one of my kids away this summer, so find it hard to believe that people think it will be “business as usual”.

My husband thinks that I am over-cautious and sees no problem with the kids coming down. But he will be out on the farm most of the day; I’ll be the one watching them all like a hawk, cleaning, washing, sanitising, and trying to make sure that they don’t go too near their granny. I hate to be seen as a “kill joy”, but do you think I have grounds for concern?

I have not committed to anything yet, but will need to decide soon, either way.

Worried Farmer’s Wife

Dear Worried Farmer’s Wife,

Thank you for your email. I don’t think that you are overreacting at all. While lockdown is gradually lifting, we still have to be cautious; especially when there is a more vulnerable person in the mix, as is the case with your mother-in-law. I know it has been very difficult for families to stay apart over the last few months – especially for children and for the elderly – but we have to hope that these sacrifices will have ultimately saved lives. And the last thing we want is to see all that hard work swept away if there is a second wave of the virus.

Whatever your husband might think, he’s not going to be the main person keeping an eye constantly on everybody

It’s still not clear how childcare, schools etc are going to operate as we adjust to this “new normal”; so I think it’s unfair to expect you to implement/patrol social distancing with your nieces and nephews, especially when everybody would be in such close quarters sharing bedrooms etc. Whatever your husband might think, he’s not going to be the main person keeping an eye constantly on everybody. So I think that this summer, it’s perfectly OK – and indeed, responsible – to say that it’s better not to have the kids down to stay.

My advice is to go with your gut on this

I’m sure that if the siblings and their children want to visit, there are other, safer ways to do this eg by renting a holiday home locally and visiting their granny in the garden so that they can maintain a safe social distance.

My advice is to go with your gut on this and let the in-laws know that considering the ongoing risk of the virus, that you think it’s best to give the holiday in your home a miss this year. There is no need to apologise or to explain yourself beyond that.

At the end of the day, they are adults – and parents – and if they want to visit this summer, they are perfectly capable of making their own arrangements. I hope this is someway helpful and wish you a happy and healthy summer.

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